Stolen Innocence
by elegance-is-not-required
Summary: It's terrifying how one night can change everything. Your thoughts, your actions; Your life. But what if this is all caused by the most unsuspecting of people?..Then what?
1. The Party

Hello :)

This is a story I felt like writing. I tried my best with proofreading it, so if there are any mistakes I'm sorry

Here are a few things you should know

**Darcy was never raped but still left for Africa**

**Eli and Clare do not know each other, although this is an Eclare story the Eclare part doesn't start for a little while**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own degrassi, I do own a shitty ass blog though

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"Clare get your ass up from that bed! Dave is having a party at his place, we're going!" I heard my roommate Bianca yell at me. I stuffed my face into my pillow, hoping to shield myself from her. I suddenly felt Bianca rip the blanket off my body and slap my butt.

"Come on let's go!"

"Fine! Okay I'll go! I'll go." I said sitting up looking at Bianca who smiled at me and walked out of the room shouting, "Hurry up, we gotta leave in 20 minutes!"

I rolled my eyes, hurrying out of bed, not wanting to face an angry Bianca. As much as I didn't want to go, I figured it would be a good idea. Lately I've been stressed with final exams approaching, which forced me to stay locked up in my dorm for many hours studying. So maybe this is a nice break, one that I needed

I finished my hair and examined myself in the mirror, looking over my outfit. I had on a nice white flowing top, which still showed my curves as well as a nice pair of jeans that hugged me perfectly.

I smiled at myself and walked out of the bathroom, seeing Bianca sitting on my bed.

"So who else is going to be there?" Bianca shrugged standing up.

"I don't know. Dave invited a bunch of people. But I know Alli's coming."

"Alright, let's just get this over with." I said laughing as Bianca danced towards me with a smile on her face.

"Oh come on_ Saint_ Clare! You'll have so much fun!"

* * *

Bianca and I arrived at the party, the house booming with music as we made our way up the steps. Smoke and the strong smell of alcohol consumed me. I coughed and pushed passed people, as we both searched for Alli. Bianca looked over at me and shouted, "I think I see her over there!"

I looked in the direction where she was pointing and saw Alli sitting on Dave's lap laughing about something he said to her. I watched as Bianca walked ahead and sat next to both of them,"Sorry to break this love fest up, but let's try and have some fun. I don't want to watch you two make out the whole time." Bianca then crossed her legs and pulled out a little compact mirror fixing her make up.

This part of the room was fairly quite, which was nice. As I took a seat, Alli jumped off Dave's lap, sitting next to me.

"So Clare how is that hottie in your english class?" Alli said while smiling.

" She's just so in love." Bianca added in, causing Alli to laugh. I crossed my arms looking at both of them.

"Okay, maybe I have a slight crush on him, but nothing more." I said pointing a finger at both of them. Alli nudged me with her elbow pointing towards the kitchen where a small group of boys were laughing.

"Looks like your little crush, is right over there. Come on go talk to him."

"No! Alli I-I can't! What would I say? No. Okay? I just won't." Alli rolled her eyes turning her body towards mine, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on Clare, I know you've been dying to talk him-"

"I do!" I said in a defensive tone.

"Have you ever talked to him outside of class?" I bit the inside of my cheek looking around while shaking my head.

"Then this is your chance." She said with a smile.

"You know, you're right! I should seize the moment and talk to him." I stood up with a new found confidence that I had never had, boy Alli could sure give a good pep talk. I walked inside the kitchen seeing that he had disappeared. I let out a huge sigh and turned around walking over to my friends.

"He left. I'm going to the bathroom." I said in a huff as I walked away, earning an sympathetic look from both Alli and Bianca.

* * *

The loud music thumped through the large room as I pushed past sweaty bodies. It took me 20 minutes to find the bathroom and once I did find it there was a long line, so I just gave up and decided to find Alli and Bianca. Once I made it back to where we were before, I noticed that both of them were gone.

"Perfect" I muttered to myself.

I walked back into the crowded room, hoping to find some place nice to sit. As my eyes scanned the clear part of the room, I saw an unoccupied couch. I smiled and quickened my pace but before I could make it there, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist, and a deep voice say. "Got ya!"

I pushed myself away from the stranger, turning around seeing it was my old friend Drew.

"Drew! What is wrong with you! I thought you were trying to kidnap me or something!" I said crossing my arms over my chest staring at him. His face was red from laughing so hard, as he held onto his stomach trying to keep his balance. I rolled my eyes at him and punched his arm.

"I hate you." I said trying to suppress a smile. Drew came towards me with a big smile on his face poking my nose.

"Oh come on, I got you good!" Drew said as he strolled past me walking towards a table near us filled with drinks. He then walked back towards me holding two cups, handing one to me. I took the cup looking at Drew, watching him chug his down. I brought my cup up to my lips and took a small sip, not liking the taste, yet not hating it either.

"So where's Bianca?" Drew said looking at me. I shrugged looking down at my cup.

"I don't know. We came in here together but she ran off somewhere with Alli." I said muttering the last part, while I finished my drink. "We could search for her together. Both of them dragged me here and then ditched me. So shall we?" I said standing up and tossing my empty cup onto the couch. The room began to spin as I took a few steps forward. I felt a hand wrap around my arm, keeping me balanced.

"Woah there, Clare. You alright?" Drew said as he laughed slightly. "I guess you never drink?" I shook my head, pulling myself away from Drew as I steadied myself.

"Of course I drink.." I said as I rubbed my face with my hands. Why was this happening? Sure I'd have an occasional beer here and there, but why was my body reacting this way towards a small little drink?

"Maybe it had some strong drink inside that I've never really had before."

"Yeah, I saw some guys pour in a two bottles of some pretty strong booze. But don't worry I'm sure you'll be fine. Come on" Drew said as he pulled me along. The beat of the music, filled my fears as we moved closer towards the speakers. I squinted my eyes trying to keep up with Drew, but finding it quiet difficult to do so. Thankfully, I saw Bianca in the near distance laughing with who I assumed was Alli. I walked away from Drew heading towards my friends, but as I did the room began to spin.

"Clare, I think maybe I should walk you there. " I heard Drew say behind me. I nodded agreeing with him. I grabbed onto his arm walking towards Bianca.

"Hey Clare!-Are you okay?" I heard Bianca say as she walked towards me placing her hand on my arm. I closed my eyes shut steading myself.

"Yeah, she's gonna be okay. I gave her a drink that I guess was just too strong for her." I heard Drew say.

"That makes sense, after one drink I was already buzzed. It makes sense why Clare is like this, her pure little body couldn't take it." Bianca say jokingly. I opened my eyes, noticing my vision was much more clear, yet still a bit blurry. I was trying to fight off the effects of the alcohol as best as I could. Before I could notice anything that was happening I passed out, falling limp against Bianca, I felt detached from my body, not knowing what was going on.

* * *

_"Clare?"_

_"She's breathing, she's alright. Let's just get her on the couch"_

_"Come on, let's go."_

_"Hey there Clarebear, time for some fun"_

_"Hold still"_

_"Sh, don't let anyone know. Shut up! Just be quiet!"_

"N-No" I whispered in a hazed state fighting off whatever was on top of me. I moaned, moving my head from left to right, not having control of myself. I managed to look up at the figure above, only seeing a silhouette of who ever this person could be, not giving me a single clue. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I slipped into a state of unconsciousness.

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**Well I hoped you liked the first chapter! **

**So review if you'd like!**


	2. The Aftermath

Chapter 2 :)

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I opened my eyes, waking up in an unfamiliar bed. My head was pounding, my body sore, and an uncomfortable throbbing between my legs. I slowly sat up, my vision beginning to blur but slowly going back to normal. I pulled the sheets off revealing my bare body.

"Oh god." I sat up from the bed frantically looking around the small room, seeing my pants, shirt, and bra. Failing to find my underwear I dashed towards them quickly picking them up and slipping them on. I walked towards the door and poked my head out looking up and down the hallway immediately recognizing my surroundings; It was Dave's house. I whipped my head around hearing a toilet flush and someone exiting the bathroom. A dark haired girl walked out of the bathroom.

"Alli?" I said in a low whisper, slowly walking out of the room. She rubbed her eyes and looked up seeing me, and smiled.

"Well hey there Saint Clare." Alli said jokingly. I bit my lip and walked towards her cautiously.

"What-um. What happened last night?" I said toying with my purity ring.

"Oh you got shit faced last night. It was kind of funny to be honest. Bianca and I had to drag you into Dave's room. " Alli said while laughing. I bit my lip, nervously looking up at Alli. I wanted to ask her why I woke up in his room naked, but how could she know?

"Where's Dave?"

"In the living room. He passed out around the time we dragged your butt into his room." I nodded my head, listening to what Alli was saying. I felt anger and disgust course through my veins as I thought a little harder about all of this.

"Well, last night was fun but I better get going." I said walking backwards, towards the door.

"Alright! We should get you out more often."Alli said winking, waiting for my reaction, yet my face stayed the same. She nervously smiled at me and looked down at her feet, awkwardly looking around sensing something was off. I wanted to stay with her and ask her a million questions about last night, but I couldn't shake the overwhelming urge to leave and never come back.

I turned around heading out the door, not looking back. I had to ask myself this question, why was I acting like this? I mean nothing happened, it was probably just some silly prank. I know when I come back to my dorm, Bianca will be there laughing wanting to see my reaction. Then she'll go on telling me how much fun it was and how she wished she was there to see me wake up and of course show me some pictures of it all. I'm completely over thinking this.

I trudged up the steps to my dorm, seeing my room in clear view. I walked through the empty hall and pushed the door open immediately being led to the small kitchen by the smell of eggs and coffee. I smiled knowing this must be Bianca's apology breakfast. I walked over to the plate of my favorite breakfast foods, eggs, toast, and some jam on the side. A small note laid next to my breakfast.

_Sorry about last night. I didn't think all of that would happen, but I'm glad I could get your ass out of here ;)_

_Love, _

_Bee_

I smiled taking a bite of my toast, leaving the note untouched. I strolled over to the coffee machine where a fresh pot of coffee sat. As I reached up to grab a cup from the cabinet, my eyes flickered over to the clock on our microwave reading, 12:30pm. I gasped dropping everything and running the bathroom, quickly fixing myself up and changing my shirt, not wanting to struggle getting my jeans off. My first class of the day starts at 12:45, Professor Hendrix is pretty harsh when people show up late. But hopefully since I'm on her good side and I'm almost never late that I can have a free pass just this one time.

I rushed out of the bathroom grabbing my backpack on the way out. I ran down the hallway and stairway, desperately grabbing for the front pouch on the my backpack where I always kept my car keys. Once I retrieved them I ran into the parking lot, quickly unlocking my car and driving off towards my English/lit class.

* * *

I grabbed my phone looking at the time, 12:55. I stopped once I reached the door opening it, seeing 50+ students staring at me. A small blush crept up on my cheeks, embarrassment setting in.

"Ah, Miss. Edwards, glad you could join us." Professor Hendrix said in her thick british accent, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"Now please take a seat Miss. Edwards, you're holding up the class." She said, turning around, continuing to explain her lesson plans for the class. I walked past her muttering a small sorry, scanning the room for any available seats. My eyes landed on the only open seat, I quickly ran towards it hoping to get settled into class and get the attention off of me. I took my seat, taking out my notebook. As I looked over I noticed it was him, my crush, Eli. I watched carefully from the side of my vision as he colored his nails with a black sharpie.

I bit my lip bending over in my chair to my backpack, to grab the latest novel I was reading. As I leaned over I noticied a small note poke out of my left pant pocket. I scrunched my eyebrows and slowly pulled it out, opening the crumbled piece of paper. My heart quickened as my stomach dropped. A condom wrapper fell out of the folded paper with smooth hand writing saying:

_Had fun last night, I'll be seeing you again real soon_

_-xo_

Tears weld up in my eyes as I felt the bile rise in my throat. I dropped everything and ran out of the room and to an outside patio trashcan where I threw up. Hot tears poured down my face as I threw up the contents of my stomach. I held onto to the side of the trashcan for dear life, as more came out.

"T-This can't be right. It's not real. It's not real." I whispered to myself. I jumped suddenly at the feeling of a large hand on my back. I looked up and wiped the corners of my mouth to see Eli standing there with a worried expression. What is he doing here?

"Are you okay?" he said cautiously. I didn't respond, finding it hard to talk, let alone breath. I shrugged his hand off my back, not wanting any physical contact. I shook my head trying to catch my breath as I leaned all my weight against the garbage can.

"Do you want me to call someone for you? I-" I put my hand up stopping him. I had to get out of here, this was just too much to handle.

"N-No. I'm just gonna get my stuff and leave." I said in a scratchy voice.

"I actually brought it out for you, I kind of figured you wouldn't want to go back in there." Eli said as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, nodding his head towards my backpack that laid next to him. I gave him a weak smile and grabbed my bag as he extended his hand out to me.

"You also dropped this." He opened his hand, revealing the note. I quickly grabbed it from him and stuffed it into my pocket.

"Thanks " I muttered as I took off in the opposite direction, going into the nearest bathroom and dropping my things on the ground. I went into the nearest stall and sank to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest crying, now facing the truth of what happened last night.

I was raped.

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Review if you'd like!


	3. The Boy Part 1

**Bloop.**

**I'm scared that this story sucks..**

**I retyped the whole chapter up..here it is!**

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"No please! Stop!" I screamed as I ran through the halls of the crowded house.

"Somebody! Help me!" I shouted as I passed through a large group of college students hoping to be receive some help from any of them, although nothing happened. They carried on with their carefree partying as if nothing was going on. I ran towards Bianca shaking her shoulders, trying to get her attention but to no avail. Was I even alive? Did anyone even care? Can't they see I'm in trouble!

I pushed myself away from her, slowly noticing that the number of people in the crowd was dwindling down to a small group, as if they were all just vanishing into thin air. I turned around, looking down the hall, to my left, then my right hearing the soft but menacing footsteps of_ him_. I don't know how I got here or what exactly was happening but it was all too real. The fear coursed through my veins, pulsating throughout my body as I stood frozen, not knowing what to do.

I felt hands grabbing me all over. I was alone; no one around to save me. Every part of my body screamed at me to run away yet my feet stayed planted firmly on the ground. Tears poured down my face as I felt a rough hand grab at my chest, violating me. A chocked sob escaped my chapped lips as I felt a hand cover my mouth. I screamed, beginning to feel the fight with in me come alive. I thrashed and screamed, as he dragged me down the opened a door to a bedroom as the crowd of people returned. He pulled me in with more force as he began to tear and pull at my clothes.

"P-Please." I mumbled into my captor's hand as my body was half way into the room. I clawed at the door frame desperately trying to get away. The crowd seemed to have gotten larger and louder than before. What's going on? I pulled with all my might until he grabbed me and pulled me in slamming the door shut. I was hopeless knowing there was nothing that could possibly help me out of this. With one swift move he threw me on the bed and straddled me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see anything.

"Clare" a deep voice called

"Clare"

"Clare! Wake up!"

My eyes snapped open, seeing Bianca staring down at me with a concerned look. I sat up my eyes frandtcly darting around the room seeing that I wasn't at the party, but in fact I was at my dorm room. It was only a dream.

"You were having a bad dream, you were crying so I decided to wake you up. Are okay Clarebear?" I watched as she sat on the edge of my bed , waiting for an answer. I slowly looked around my bed, pulling my blankets up and around my body, curling myself up in my warm soft sheets.

"Yeah." I mumbled into my blanket. "It was just a nightmare." I said as I stared blankly ahead knowing that it wasn't really a nightmare. It was my mind's version of what had happened the night of the party. Since that day I got these nightmares every night. It's always a different setting though, like one night I was taking a walk or at my mother's house. They are started out differently but the endings were always the same. I lost to the mysterious man each and every time, always ending up in some bed with him on top of me.

"Well okay. If you need to talk I'm here you know that right?" I looked up at Bee and shook my head, knowing that was true. She was my best friend besides Alli, I don't know where I would be without her.

I curled back into a ball as I felt the bed shift as Bianca snuggled up next to me, draping her arm around my shoulders and resting her head against mine.

"I know something's up Clare-bear. You're usually up before I am, all dressed and ready to go. But for this past week you've been really sluggish, plus you haven't been to your classes all week." I bit my lip trying to think of something that could dismiss Bianca's worries. I didn't want her thinking there was actually something wrong with me or that something had happened.

"I know that, I just..miss my family. That's all." I looked over at her hoping that she bought my quick lie.

"Aw, you miss your family!" Bee said as she hugged me squishing her body against mine. I resisted the urge to push her off of me but another part of me cherished the love she gave to me. I wish I had the strength to hug her back or even tell her everything, but I just couldn't.

"Come on. Let's get you dressed, do that sexy hair of yours , and make you look at least decent enough for hot college boys." I rolled my eyes as I suppressed a small smile. Bianca grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed and towards the bathroom. Damn she was strong. She sat me down so I was seated at the toilet, facing the large mirror in front of me. I looked at myself in the mirror startled a bit by me reflection. My hair was knotted up and greasy. My eyes had dark bags under them and my face was visibly dirty as well. I looked at Bianca through the mirror at her slightly disgusted expression.

"Maybe we should get you to shower first." I watched as she turned around and turned the shower on. I continued to watch her as she left the room and returned carrying a towel and a nice floral dress with some ballet flats for me to wear. She placed everything on the counter and turned towards me, placing a hand on her hip.

"Okay, go take a shower and really try to get those knots out and when you're done get dressed and I'll get started on your hair." Bianca dug into her pocket pulling out her phone. "You better hurry up. Your class starts soon." Bianca said as she quickly walked out of the room, leaving me to get ready.

* * *

I walked out of the bathroom struggling slightly to get my last shoe on. I saw Bianca sitting on my bed texting until she heard me enter the room. She seemed to be smiling and almost giggling as she quickly typed away on her smart phone, most likely texting Drew.

"So how do I look?" I said, pulling the ends of my dress out trying to force a smile on my face. She stood up from my bed, stuffing her phone into her pocket.

"Wow, you look so much better. On second thought I don't think you'll need my help. You did great on your own! Now hurry up and go to class or you'll be late." She quickly handed me my bag to me trying to push me out the door.

"Why are you in such a rush to get me out?" I said standing my ground, raising my eyebrows slightly, already knowing the answer. Bianca laughed slightly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Well you see, while you were in the shower Drew texted me and now he's kind of coming over. And I need you out." She said laughing nervously at me.

"Ah-" as if on cue our door swung open revealing a cheeky Drew. Bianca smiled and walked towards him wrapping her arms around him and placing a passionate kiss on his lips. I slowly walked towards the door as their kiss turned into a make out session.

"Okay, well I'll see you two later. Be safe." I said as I hurried out.

* * *

I had around 20 minutes of down time until my class started. I truly just wanted to run back home and hide since what happened last time. I must have looked like a fool running out of class like that. Besides I can't even face Eli. He probably thinks I'm crazy. It's better if I just try and forget everything that happened that day. Of course that's easier said than done…

I walked into Starbucks deciding to get myself a coffee so I could stay awake in class and at least try to get some work done. As I walked in I realized nobody was in here which was nice. I went up to the front and ordered myself a tall caffeinated coffee. Within a few minutes my drink was ready and as I turned around I bumped into some one, but luckily not spilling my coffee.

"Are you okay?" I said, as I looked into his eyes being taken aback slightly by his glowing green orbs. He smirked at me and nodded his head.

"Yeah, I'm fine, but the better question is are you okay? You haven't been in class for the past week. You had me a little worried." He said while scratching the back of his head. I bit my lip and took a sip of my coffee.

"I was just a bit sick, the flu or something." I said giving him a fake smile hoping he would just drop it. We've never spoken much to each other, usually just a nice 'hello' but nothing more. That day when I ran out of class was the most he has ever talked to me. Eli eyed my suspiciously but didn't push it.

"Well I hope you feel better now. So will you be in class today? It starts in about 10 minutes." I nodded my head seeing him smile.

"Yeah, I just stopped to get some coffee. I'm actually on my way there now."

"Do you want to walk together?" he said nervously.

"I would love to."

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**I hate how this ended**

**bbblleeehh**

**Reviews mean a lot :)**


	4. The Boy Part 2

**It took me forever to write this..anyway, enjoy**

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I stared blankly down at Professor Hendrix as she rambled on about today's lecture. I felt as though I wasn't truly here, physically I am but mentally I wasn't. I feel a thousand miles away from reality, trapped in a terrible world of my own constantly reliving that night. I know this isn't going away with a snap of my fingers. I learned about this in school, the emotional scars it can leave, but I'll just have to learn to live with this because no one is ever going to find out.

"Now, now, you should all pay attention, this is important. Your assignment is to write a 5 page essay about the worst experience in your life. It pertains to today's lesson. I, as the reader, want to experience this moment in your life as though I were there." Professor Hendrix locked eyes with me, my body stiffened as her cold icy glare bore holes into my small frame. I broke eye contact with her by staring down at my hands that had remained in my lap for the entire lecture.

After a few minutes I noticed people moving from their seats. She must have dismissed us. I quickly grabbed my things and left the room hoping to not get stopped by Professor Hendrix. The last thing I need is to get chastised by her. I shuffled into a group of people hoping to make my way out soon and back to my dorm.

"Hey." I turned my head to the right seeing Eli. I slapped myself mentally realizing I had ditched him. We came into class together yet I took off in the opposite direction.

"Hi." I said back not exactly knowing what to say. He stepped in front of me and opened the large doors that led out to a patio setting. I squinted my eyes as the sun burned, brightly shining against everything. I looked over at Eli seeing him still standing in front of me, hands in his pockets staring at the scenery around him. I coughed slightly, clearing my throat getting his attention. He looked up at me as if he completely forgot I was here. He scratched the back of his head and looked at me sighing a bit.

"Do you wanna go to The Dot? Maybe get a coffee or..or some lunch?" I raised my eyebrows slightly contemplating on whether or not I should go. I'm sure Bianca would be pleased to know I went out with him but I'd rather just go home. I don't feel like being out with people at all.

"Well, we could always work on the assignment together." he said carefully

"Alright."

xxx

I watched as Eli scanned over the short menu at The Dot. I chose to have just a ham sandwich with a small side of chips knowing that I wasn't too hungry. I looked around the small cafe that seemed to be filling up quickly with other college students as well as Degrassi students. I thought back to my old Degrassi years and how everyday for lunch my friends and I would come here. I miss those days.

"What can I get you guys?" I looked up to see a tall waiter, ready with a notepad in hand. I gave him my order as did Eli, he then anxiously took off towards the back. I bit my lip nervously and looked down at the table not exactly knowing what we could do or how to get the conversation going. I heard some movement from Eli's side of the table and looked up seeing Eli messing around in his back pack, pulling out a large notebook and a pencil.

"Let's get started on our papers." he said with his head down, opening up the first page and scribbling words down. I stared at him for a few moments as he worked. The concentration on his face was strong as he furiously wrote. It amazed me. I went for my bag as well and grabbed my notebook opening it up, but not being able to think of anything. The prompt flashed through my mind sending chills through my body. How am I possibly able to be honest in this essay?

"Here you go." The waiter reappeared with our food. Eli eagerly jumped in taking a bit of his burger while I opted to take small bites of my fries, suddenly feeling disgusted by my ham sandwich.

"So Clare, how far have you gotten done with the essay?" I looked up at Eli and shrugged slightly.

"Not very far." He laughed a little reaching across the table grabbing my notebook. His eyes scanned over the page a few times before he handed it back to me.

"Well at least you titled it." He pushed his plate aside and flipped to a clean page in his notebook.

"Okay, let's start off with what it's about."

"My worst experience?"

"Right! Now can you name that experience?" he said patiently waiting. I scratched my head, searching for something that could count as a "worst experience".

"When I saw my dog Rufus get hit by a car." I suppose that could count I mean I was traumatized for a while. Rufus and I were really close, out of everyone in the family. Besides I was only 10 when that happened. Eli nodded and wrote that down.

"Now name the 5 emotions you felt and why you felt them."

"Shock, because I didn't expect that to happen. Sadness, because I lost my best friend. Guilt, because I thought I could have-_should_ have saved him and I didn't. Anger, because it happened. And fear that it might happen to someone else I love and care for, like my sister." I breathed out wanting to pat myself on the back for answering his question. Maybe this essay won't be so hard to write after all.

"Good. Good" Eli said softly as he wrote everything down. Once he finished he looked over the paper and thought for a moment.

"Professor Hendrix talked about emotional writing or expressive writing in class today. She talked about digging deep within yourself and use raw emotion to tell the story, or in this case an essay." Eli said looking up at me for confirmation that I understand. I don't remember her saying any of this. Was I really that checked out?

"Okay, now she also mentioned a few others things.." Eli said biting his lip. "She said that emotional writing is beneficial to your physical health. It can strengthen your immune system, reduce blood pressure, improved mood, and it can benefit you before an exam. She actually recommends we do that for our finals." I nodded along to what Eli was saying taking mental notes on a few things. I was in that room for a full hour and I failed to hear anything she said. Maybe that was why she locked eyes with me, she knew that I was listening.

"Thanks.." I said softly looking up at Eli. "For telling me all this and helping me out." He smiled shrugging his shoulders as if all of this were nothing.

"No problem." I smiled slightly looking at him while checking the time.

"I-uh, better get going." I said as I pulled out my wallet wanting to pay for my part of the meal. Eli quickly stopped me, shaking his head.

"My treat." He said giving me a reassuring glance. I didn't argue with him, instead just continued to pack my things away. I closed my back pack and stood up from my seat.

"I'll see you in class on Thursday right?" I nodded my head, smiling slightly.

"Of course." I waved a small goodbye to him and made my way out of The Dot. I originally planned on just going to bed, forgetting all about my homework, but I figured I'd at least try. For Eli. He helped me, although it wasn't much, it was still enough to get me slightly motivated. Maybe when I move past this I can repay Eli by taking him out to lunch sometime, my treat. Until that day happens I'm perfectly fine with staying locked up in my dorm room.

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**Reviews make me smile :D**


	5. The Essay

**Hai**

**Chapter 5**

**le boom~**

**Sorry if there are any mistakes. I tried my best with editing it. **

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I stood in the doorway of Professor Hendrix's office hoping to build up enough courage to talk to her. It had been a few days since Eli and I had our little lunch together where he helped me start my essay. I promised myself that I would start it once I got home or at least brainstorm a little more, but nothing happened. I sat at my desk for 2 hours playing with my pencil, hoping for some inspiration that would encourage me to start this, but it just never came. So I decided to come by and talk to Professor Hendrix, hoping to get some advice from her. Out of her 30 years in teaching I would assume there hasn't been a student that she couldn't help overcome a little writers block. I stared at her as she concentrated on grading a large stack of papers. A scowl was present on her face as she covered the poor students paper in red marking, occasionally writing small notes.

"Miss Edwards if you have a question, please take a seat or leave." She said quickly glancing up at me, not quiet pleased with my presence. I silently walked into her office, getting a better view of it. The walls were bare, only having a thing coat of egg shell white paint. Two large filing cabinets sat by her for what I assume was for easy access to student's files and what not. The office seemed to be very well kept, not being able to find a spec dust or dirt on anything, but her desk was a different story. Small photo's and knick knacks covered her desk with a few photo frames here and there. I stepped towards her desk pulling out the beat up chair as I took a seat, waiting for her to finish.

"Talk, my dear. I haven't got all day." She said, her British accent making me all the more terrified to ask her. Professor Hendrix looked up at me, her glasses resting near the bottom of her nose. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight bun, a few grey streaks showing. The scowl I had saw from the door way was still present on her chapped lips. I could tell she was growing impatient, not wanting to upset her any further I went straight for it.

"I need some help with my essay. I-I just have writer's block." I squeaked out as she stared at me nodding her head, as though she understood. I was surprised when she began clearing the papers from the center of her desk, arranging them in a neat pile, then taking off her glasses and leaning towards me in her chair.

"Alright, let's see what you got." I scratched the back of my head, not having brought my essay, although bringing it wouldn't have done much either.

"I don't have anything."

"What do you mean?" She said cocking her head to the side.

"I mean I don't have it. I haven't even started it yet-okay I have but not really." I said trailing off at the end while nervously playing with my hands. I heard her let out a frustrated sigh as she slightly slammed her hands against the desk.

"Miss Edwards! I do not have time for your laziness!" She shouted at me. As she was about to continue a tall lanky man appeared at the door, knocking slightly on the door frame.

"Karen, we need your help in the conference room. The fax machine is broken again." He said in a deep voice looking between both of us, most likely hearing what was going on. My cheeks turned red as I sank into my seat, hoping I could just disappear and never return. Professor Hendrix looked between the man and me debating on whether to stay and yell at me or go help him. She chose the latter and followed him out the door. I sighed in relief as she left. I've seen Professor Hendrix in a new light, seeing a true colors. She wasn't just tough in class she was cold hearted altogether. I thought maybe she'd give me some ideas, but no. I got yelled at for something that was out of my control.

I stood up from my chair hoping to leave before she returned. I quickly walked past her desk hearing the sound of some papers fall to the ground. I turned around, being the nice person that I am, and picked them up. As I grabbed the last small packet I saw the name "Elijah Goldsworthy", with the title, "My Worst Experience". What? This isn't due until next Thursday. Why would he turn it in so soon? I placed the other packets on the table, as I opened the cover to Eli's essay, flipping to the end and reading the last two paragraphs.

_...The love of my life, lost; gone, never to be seen again. I watched as her lifeless body lay sprawled across the wet ground. Blood that poured from a wound I could not identify. My heart crumbled as my fragile body slumped to the ground next to her, not daring to go near her. Her hands laid limp by her sides, legs bent in unnatural positions. Her once straight black hair lay knotted up and meshed in with the ground. Her soft angelic face, once __perfect was now covered with marks but yet still held a peaceful look; one that I will forever remember._

_That day has been burned into my memory, affecting my everyday life. Not one second goes by when I don't think about my lost love and the scars that will always linger on with her memory. I still see her in my dreams, with the sun brightly shining on her elegant features. Most would assume she's in heaven, though being an atheist I feel as though she's in a better place where she can run free and live out the rest of her life in peace and harmony. That's what she deserves and much more. Her life was taken too soon by my foolish and childish actions. Please forgive me Jules, I love you. _

My heart sank as a thin film of tears covered my eyes. What could Eli have possibly done to harm another human being like this and more importantly someone he loved? This can't be right, it just can't. Is he too ashamed to turn his essay on time, fearing some sort of punishment or ridicule? What ever the reason may be, this is all just too much. I have to talk to him next time I see him. I want to know more about this Jules. She seems like a very important part in his life and too affect him this much...he must have suffered a lot.

The clicking of high heel shoes echoed through the halls as Professor Hendrix returned, the scowl that adorned her face just minutes ago seemed to have vanished. She adjusted her shirt and seemed to refasten her bun before taking a seat at her desk, the essay still in my hand.

"Miss Edwards, may I as why you holding Mr. Goldsworthy's work?"I shrugged placing it gently back on her desk as she watched me carefully.

"Why did he turn it in early?" I asked, wanting to get my answer. She folded her arms across her chest and rested back in her chair.

"That is absolutely none of your business." I rolled my eyes crossing my arms over my chest, imitating her. I don't know what came over me but I wasn't going to sit here and be bullied by my own teacher. It was a simple question, why the hell couldn't she answer it!

"Just. Tell. Me." I spat at her. Woah, were did that come from? Her body slumped forward slightly, as she sighed pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger.

"He said there was a family emergency. And that's _all_ he said. Now will you please leave Miss. Edwards." I turned on my heal, leaving the room with out a word.

xxx

"Oh-my god, so let me get this straight. You, Saint Clare, gave attitude to your teacher." Bianca said, while Alli snickered in the corner.

"I don't think I necessarily gave her attitude, it just shut her up for once." I said while biting my lip not feeling too proud for what I had done. Of course it wasn't that bad but I still felt awful for the way I reacted. I don't even know what came over me, I'm not very close with Eli so why would I need to know where he is or what's going on in his life. I should have never read that essay, I should have left when I had the chance instead of invading his privacy like that. That essay was meant to be seen by Eli and only Professor Hendrix. Alli strolled towards me holding a bowl of popcorn as she bumped my shoulder.

"Damn I like this new Clare!" She said laughing while Bianca joined in.

"I know right! God why can't this Clare come out more often. Next time you do this I want front row seats." Bianca said wrapping her arm around my neck as we walked into the small living room where all three of us sat down on the old couch. I can't lie and say that I'm not loving the approval from both of my friends on how I acted but it's still not right. Great, now I have even another thing to completly panic over.

"Alright, I am ready to finally see The Hangover and look at Bradley Cooper's sexy face." Alli said while biting her lip, causing Bianca to laugh.

"Oh shut up you'll both be drooling over him in no time." Bianca shook her head in disagreement.

"Uh-no thank you." I smiled slightly at them, resting into one of the couch pillows.

"So Clare, Bianca's been telling me that you went out with your little crush?" Alli said raising her eyebrows suggestively. She just had to bring him up didn't she?

"Yeah. We went to The Dot and he helped me with my essay." Alli smiled and giggled seeming overjoyed by this small piece of information.

"Why the hell are you so happy? It's not that big of a deal." I said sounding almost angry. I don't know what came over me but I was tired of having to tell her every little thing about my love life. It's never bothered me before but it is now. I just can't take it. I can go out with a new guy friend and just have lunch with out anything going on. Yes, I liked him and maybe I still do but I have more to worry about than my feelings for some boy.

"Geez, Clare. Relax a bit will you? I'm just curious. You've liked him for what? A year now? And when you finally go out with him you could careless!" Alli huffed as she crossed her arms. I'm not in the mood for this.

"I don't care! I have more important things to worry about than some stupid boy, okay! Just drop it!" I looked up at both of them, Alli having a look of pure shock on her face and slight hurt, while Bianca seemed concerned.

"I don't need this right now." I said standing up from my spot on the couch, quickly walking out of the room towards my bed, snuggling myself under the sheets. I rolled on my side so I was facing my wall as I curled myself into a ball, closing my eyes. I heard foot steps enter the room as the bed moved slightly indicating someone had sat down on it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping who ever was in the room with me would just disappear.

"Clare?" I heard Bianca say. I laid motionless, not responding.

"Are you okay? You've been acting a little off lately."

"Please Clare? Talk to me?" She placed her hand on my shoulder, I immediately shrugged it off. I heard her sigh, feeling her stand up from my bed.

"If you need to talk, I'm here okay?" I remained silent, hearing the movie in the other room continue. I rolled onto my back, eyes still closed refusing to open. There's no point in me even staying in bed, I won't be getting any sleep. I haven't slept since that night. I opened my eyes, not being able to see much except the light from the tv in the other room, shining onto my bed. Near the foot of my bed I noticed my back pack, with my notebook peaking through the half opened zipper.

_"She said that emotional writing is beneficial to your physical health"_

Eli's words rang through my head as I stared at my worn down notebook. Maybe I could write about that night, get it out of my system. I don't remember much of it but it's worth a shot right? I crawled across my bed trying to be as quiet as possible as I reached into my bag pulling out my notebook. As I opened the cover a small folded piece of paper fell out. It looked much like the one note I found the night after the party. Panic set in as I slowly opened it up, being careful to not rip it. Once I opened it I smoothed it out with my hand holding it in the light to get a clear look of what it says.

_Miss me?_

_-xo_

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**Bloop, she's starting to act out. It get's worse later on :3**

**Please, ****if you like it**

**Review :D**

**It's puts a smile on my kitten's furry little face**


	6. The Runaway

**Hai. Sorry for the delay**

**Important author's note(s) at the end :3**

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I quietly reached into my closet, taking out a few shirts hoping to not make a sound. I grabbed my backpack emptying the contents onto my bed, clearing out the rest of it, then proceeding to fill it with socks, pants, shirts, and my journal. My eyes landed on the clock that read in big bold letters "3:30am". I hurried trying to pack up as quickly as possible. Getting out of her unseen was my plan.

Thankfully, Bianca and Alli were both passed out in the living room. Bianca was sprawled across the couch, while Alli laid on the ground with a small couch cushion under head and a thin pink blanket covering her small frame. Both of them had fallen asleep around the time the movie had finished. I on the other hand laid in the bed the entire time. I didn't want to sleep at all, fearing the images of that night would reappear in my dreams..or perhaps that man would show up to finish what he started. I'm not even safe in my sleep. I'm tortured mentally during the day by ongoing thoughts and images only to then suffer at night through constant night terrors.

I grabbed my backpack taking slow and soft steps towards the front door, gently turning the handle and entering the hallway. For 3 am in a dorm house it was unusually quiet although it worked to my advantage in some ways. There were usually a few people partying or hanging out in the hallway which would make leaving harder. They could easily just report me to the head dorm manager, Katelyn, that I had left. Leaving before 6 am or not returning by 11pm without prior approval can cause you to lose your room. They were fairly strict here, but at the moment I didn't car for their rules.

The hallway was dark only being lit by a few small lights at the end of the hall. I tip toed my way to the stairs slowly peaking down into the "chill room" where most people stayed either during the day or at night for last minute study sessions. I was praying that no one was down there, especially not Katelyn. I could easily slip past some students, making it seem as if I was just coming down for something to drink before I got to work. But Katelyn would surly follow me around and keep an eye on me making sure I didn't leave. As I made it down the steps I saw a few people gathered around the small coffee table; their backs facing me. Thick text books were all over yet they seemed to be fixated on the TV. I took a deep breath walking down the remainder of the steps and quickly making my way towards the exit. For them not wanting anyone to leave before 6 they sure weren't smart enough to lock the door.

I stepped outside, the cold night's air hitting me sending chills up and down my body. I wrapped my thin jacket tightly around my body while rubbing my arms hoping to create some heat. I reached around to the front pouch of my backpack and held the keys firmly in my hand. I didn't know where I planned ongoing but I had to make a quick decision. I could easily take my car to where ever it was that I was headed to but that just seems too easy.

I stared down at the keys in the hands clearly making each one of them out and seeing my small smiley face key chain. Without a single thought floating through my head I dropped my keys on the ground, hearing the small clunk as they made contact with the cement. I walked away from the spot where my keys laid, taking off down the street making my way out of the campus parking lot. I took a big risk walking around unarmed at this time, but for some odd reason I just didn't care. It's as if all of my emotions were shut off, not being able to experience fear or even the simplest concern for what might happen.

I was emotionally dead.

xxx

The house looked the same, the cars were parked in the exact same spots, nothing had really changed since I left. Well I didn't live that far away from home, it would just be a good 20 minute drive, but an hour walk. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I was ever home. At the end of my Sophomore year my mom and dad had officially gotten divorced. I stayed with my mom while my dad left and stayed in his condo on the other side of town with his new girlfriend. I barely saw him but I didn't mind when I found out he had cheated on my mom. Things got a little easier when it was just my mom and I, we had a lot of fun together. It was the closest we had ever been; then Glen came into the picture as well as his son Jake. Her and Glen began to date for about a month until they decided it was time to seal the deal and elope during the summer.

The marriage put a difficult strain on my relationship with my mom. She spent all her time with Glen leaving me alone and forgotten. I tried going back to my dad but it was useless, I felt abandoned by both of my parents. When my senior year arrived I was barely home, consuming myself with every school activity I could get my hands on. My mom tried to talk to me, apparently she had seen the mistake she made and wanted to fix whatever had happened. I knew it was sincere but I didn't care anymore. I left the day of my graduation and managed to get a job at the local bookstore as well as an apartment with a temporary roommate until college started up in the fall. Ever since I graduated I haven't talked to anyone except my step-brother Jake, we have an occasional lunch here and there but lately we haven't talked.

I walked up the steps to my old childhood home, listening to the logical side of me screaming to leave and go back to your dorm. But I just didn't care. With slight hesitance I knocked rang the doorbell, silently hoping no one was home. I don't even know why I chose to come here I just..did. I heard some heavy footsteps from behind the door and the sound of the locks being turned. I came face to face with Glen. This is a bad idea I should just leave right now if he's here.

Glen stared at me for a few moments his eye brows scrunched in confusion-which was to be expected. He turned his head around shouting for Helen, my mom, to come over. Within a matter of seconds she appeared at the doorway, a look of pure shock on her face. Before I could react she lunged towards me wrapping me in a large bear hug. For some odd reason I returned the hug feeling that soft warm comfort I could only recall from distant memories. She pulled back from me slightly, tears clearly visible, cupping my face.

"It's really you Clare." She smiled as more tears streamed down her face. I tried to force a smile on my face but not finding the strength to do so.

"Yeah." I paused for a moment. "It's really me." I said dryly. My voice sounded hoarse and my throat was dry, making it difficult to swallow. She let go of my face slowly as she wiped her eyes.

"Well what brings you here? Are you alright?" No. I'm not alright.

"I'm fine. I was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by."

"At 7 in the morning?" she said laughing a little. I shrugged crossing my arms over my chest as I bit my lip looking down at the ground.

"Well it doesn't matter why you're here I'm just..I'm just glad you really are here." I slowly looked up at my mom, seeing the care and love her eyes held. "I never thought I'd see you again. I-I just want to-" I cut her off not wanting to hear her apology. Not that I wouldn't accept it or appreciate it. I just didn't want to think about the past at all. Her actions shined brighter than a thousand apologies.

"It's okay mom can we just forget about everything. Please?" I whispered. She gave me a curt nod and gently grabbed my arm ushering me into the house. I took in my surrounding noticing much of the furniture had been rearranged. A new, strangely different color of paint covered the walls. New picture frames hung all over, some from my mom and Glen's wedding, a few of Jake, and some of my childhood photos. A part of me wasn't too shocked seeing a some of my photos on the wall, but none of them had my dad in them. Of course it's to be expected she wouldn't hang them up. I mean who would want to hang photos of your ex-husband, especially if you're remarried. I followed my mother to the kitchen where she sat me down. I dropped my back pack to the floor, it catching my mother's attention.

"Are you going to class after this?" She questioned.

"No. I was actually hoping I could just visit. I was going to try and get a place to stay at a friend's house." There was no way I could stay here, besides I never planned on actually coming here it just happened.

"So you show up here at 7 am to just visit with a backpack that isn't meant for school? That makes sense." She said laughing a little. She crossed the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking out some orange juice.

"If you need a place for whatever reason you're _always_ welcomed here." She looked over at me while grabbing a few glasses, waiting for my answer. She obviously wasn't buying my reasoning for why I was here, hell I didn't even know why I was here. I just needed to get away from my dorm for a little while since finding that note. A pang of fear ran through me, my breathing becoming shallow. I closed my eyes trying to control myself.

"You okay Clare?" I nodded my head, rubbing my eyes.

"Yeah, I'm just tired." My mom handed me the glass sitting down in front of me. I attempted to take a sip of my orange juice, yet being filled with pure disgust at the taste.

"Why don't you go to sleep then?" I nodded my head, feeling the panic within me escalate.

"That sounds like a good idea." I stood up from my seat grabbing my bag.

"You can head up to your old room; It's exactly how you left it." She flashed a small smile at me as I proceeded up the stairs. With each step I felt my heart beat faster. My vision blurred slightly as I stumbled towards my old room. I opened the door carelessly shutting it and locking it. I propped up my old desk chair against the door. I sat on my bed taking deep breaths hoping to calm myself but to no avail. I quickly dug through my bag grabbing my journal, flashbacks of last night clouded my thoughts as I flipped to a clean page and began writing down everything from that night and how I was feeling.

I don't know how long I wrote for exactly but it was enough to fill up 3 pages back-to-back. I roughly tore the pages out and folded them up stuffing them into jacket pocket. Before I knew it I was passed out.

xxx

I opened my eyes remembering where I was. My room was dark, only a small light shined in through the curtains from the outside street lamps. I carefully got out of bed reaching my door removing the chair, discarding it to the side. I was greeted by the bright hallway light. I crossed my arms over my chest squinting my eyes slightly as I walked out of my old room. I peered through the cut out in the wall dividing the staircase and the small living room. From where I was standing I could see clear into the kitchen. I heard some noise assuming it was Glen, I was ready to take off and go back to my room, but instead the figure turned around. It was Jake. I smiled a little walking down to greet him.

"Ah, sleeping beauty's up." He joked a little, scratching the back of his head. I smiled a little looking at Jake, noticing a five o'clock shadow on his face. His features were rugged and strong, much of difference from their old high school days. Jake coughed slightly, gaining my attention.

"Helen-uh, she told me you'd be staying for a few days." I rolled my eyes slightly.

"I never said anything about staying here." I muttered. "I just needed a place to relax a bit. School is just getting a little stressful." If only you knew the truth. Jake looked at me skeptically as if debating on whether or not that was the truth. He seemed unconvinced by my vague answer but didn't push it.

"I have a small fire going on outside, care to join? I was gonna make myself some s 'mores." I laughed little nodding my head.

"S 'mores sound great." Jake smiled as he reached for a bag on a nearby counter. He then walked towards the fridge where he turned towards me, taking a few beers out of the fridge. "Want some?" I shook my head, refusing it. I didn't need to be reminded of that night especially when I was in a good mood.

"Hey, why don't you go outside and I'll get everything started. I can make you some limeade, I know you like it. And then maybe we could catch up?" I smiled at his kind gesture, while stuffing my hands into my jacket pocket, feeling that paper. I gripped onto it nodding my head.

"Can't wait." I said faking a smile. I walked towards the patio door unlocking it and sliding it open. The sounds of crickets filled my ears as well as the burning from the small fire. I felt the heat radiate from the flames that seemed to dance in the cold night's air. I walked towards a few patio chairs that sat in front of the fire pit. I sat on the chair, crossing my legs. I rested back against the chair taking the folded up papers out of my pocket. These pages contained everything that had been haunting me since _that_ day. I sat up slightly, fiddling with it. Then with a flick of my wrist I threw it into the fire. I watched the flames engulf it, burning the pages into a small clump of black char. I stared at it, watching at the flames cover it up, as if it was never burned in the first place. It was hidden, much like my feelings for that night and the truth about what had happened.

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**1. This story will be updated every Saturday(excluding this upcoming **_Saturday_**. I'm busy. Unless I find some free time.) Maybe I Was Wrong will also be updated every Sunday (expect one this **_Sunday_** if you follow the story)**

**2. So, my chapters seem super repetitive(in my mind~) but things will start to esclate. Eli will start to be in more chapters (I want to take it slow with them becoming friends/dating/etc.). Mini spoiler= Glen and Clare fight will happen soon! :D**

**Follow me on le twitter~ heygurlfrand **

**See you next time lovelies 3**


	7. The Change

**And I'm only a day late on the update. I'm getting better :D**

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* * *

"So tell me what I've missed." My mother said. It was almost noon as we both sat side-by-side at the kitchen table. It brought back so many memories and feelings-one's that I haven't truly felt in years. Surprisingly after my small night with Jake I slept nightmare free. I don't know how but I did.

I woke up a few hours ago around the same time my mother had woken up. She peeked her head into my room, much like she did when I was young. I decided to not put the chair up against the door, feeling as though I was actually safe here.

_Safe_. One thing I haven't felt in a long time. I've learned that we take too many things for granted, whether it being the privacy or the sane thoughts a large majority of people are blessed to have. I can't walk somewhere and think, "Is that him?" or "Is he coming to finish me off?". I don't know the man's true motives to why he did it. It could have been a random act or one that was thoughtfully planned out with intricate details meant to strike me to my very core-if so, he's doing a wonderful job.

I haven't felt this happy to be at home since Glen stepped into the picture but he's seemed to take the hint and made himself scarce. My mom has barely noticed, which I can't say I'm not happy about but her world used to be about Glen. I walked back into her life for what? Three days? And now she can't leave me alone for more than a few minutes. I have my old mom back, the one that I thought I lost. I'm surprised by her willingness to accept me back into her home, but I'll be forever grateful for receiving this second chance even in the most awful of situations.

I lifted my head up slightly to catch a glimpse of her face before returning to playing with my soggy cereal. "I started college?" I said with a dry laugh not truly knowing what to say to her. There hadn't been much that had happened.

"There has to be something. New friends, mean professors, boyfriends?" I smiled a little and pushed the bowl away from me, leaning back in my seat.

"Mom I haven't had a boyfriend since KC. I'm too focused on my studies to even have a friendship with anyone outside my dorm room." She laughed placing her coffee cup on the table and leaning forward, resting on her elbows.

"Clare you sound like me when I was in college. You need to be able to socialize." I shook my head giggling.

"No where in my college orientation did it ever say that I was _required_ to have friends or socialize. It's simply something people elect to do. I on the other hand prefer to keep to my self with my nose in a book." She playfully rolled her eyes.

"My studious little girl." A loud cough from the bottom of the staircase caught our attention. We both turned to look over and see Glen with a sort of displeasure on his face. I resisted the urge to get up and leave but my mom was here and he just happened to walk in during our conversation, after all he does live here.

Glen walked past the small kitchen table, ignoring my mothers offer for a good-late-morning kiss. Making his way to the fridge he roughly opened the fridge taking out the milk and slamming it shut. My mom spoke up with curiosity and slight anger, "Glen, honey is everything alright?"

He gave us a small side glance before searching through the cabinets. Searching through the coffee mugs and with great force took a cup out of the cabinet slamming the it shut, causing both my mom and I to jump.

"Glen, don't be a child!" She raised her voice at him standing up from her chair. "I'm being perfectly reasonable here Helen! You're the one that's being a child. You're foolish and so naive!" I looked around the kitchen, avoiding Glen's murderous stare before pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

"How in God's name am I acting like a child! Besides where the hell is this coming from?" Glen slammed the coffee mug against the counter and pointed towards me shouting, "Her!" My body froze at his accusation. What had I done? I didn't steal anything, I wasn't being a terrible person; I just wanted to come back home. What was so wrong about that?

"What is that supposed to mean!" My mother shouted at him. I closed my eyes shut, hoping to block them both out but I knew it was impossible. I'd never heard my mom yell like this before; Ever.

"You don't get it do you Helen?" His voice dropping to a low level. "She practically ruined your life for 2 years, do you not remember that? She's just gonna do the same thing but your just too damn blind to see that! If Jake ever pulled the crap that Clare pulled on you, I wouldn't let him back into my life!" That's a lie. He'd do anything for Jake, though it's not Jake's fault at all. I'm just saying, Jake is Glen's world-he's all bark and no bite.

My mother stayed quiet with an unreadable expression. Is she seriously gonna believe him or automatically listen to every word he says.

"Dad!" I heard Jake call from the front door.

Glen looked over at Jake seeming to calm down a small bit. I turned my head slowly to get a glance of the door. Jake stood in the opening with stern face.

"Let's go. Besides, this-" Jake gestured between both my mom and I "Is truly none of your business, now hurry or your gonna be late." Jake said in a stern voice. I looked over at Glen, not knowing what he was going to do or say next. Instead he looked down at the ground and walked out of the house. I breathed a sigh of relief when he left, not wanting to deal with anything he said.

What was my mom going to say to this little fiasco? Last time something similar to this happened she defended him stating "He's my husband." If the past is any indication, then I should start packing my things.

She slowly took her seat, neatly pushing her chair towards the table and resuming drinking her coffee. She had a solemn expression, once again truly unreadable. I watched as she placed her coffee cup back on the table, looking over at me. I wrapped my arms tighter around my legs. Without a word she stood up from her seat and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, placing a soft kiss on my head. I leaned against her as she held me tighter.

"I don't know why Glen's acting like this.." You really don't?

"But you're my daughter and you always will be." She whispered, almost sounding on the verge of tears. "Nothing he ever says or does, will_ ever_ come between us again."

I have my mom back

xxx

**The Next Day**

_"He was a wonderful man. And when a man is that special, you know it sooner than you think possible. You recognize it instinctively, and you're certain that no matter what happens, there will never be another one like him." _

I read from my current novel, _The Lucky One_ by Nicholas Sparks. After yesterday's emotional roller coaster my mom and I went to the book store and purchased a few best sellers. I haven't read a good book in well over a year and Nicholas Sparks has always been one of my favorite authors. Besides it was nice to read about someone else's problems, it gave me enough of a break from this hell called my life. Today seemed like a nice day to start reading, it was quiet and my mom and Glen were out of the house. So for the past 3 hours I've been sitting outside on the front steps of the house reading; The weather was perfect to be outside.

"Another romance novel, eh? You sure haven't changed since high school." I placed my book mark between the pages I was on and closed the book, looking up at Jake. He was getting out of his truck as he smiled at me.

"Is that a bad thing?" I playfully questioned.

"Nah." Jake said making a face. "I like people that don't change, I mean I sure haven't."

"True." I whispered. He leaned against his truck with a little smirk on his face.

"So-uh, sorry about the way my dad acted yesterday morning. I don't know why he said those things, none of them were true." Jake said as he scratched the back of his head. I bit the inside of my cheek, holding back my emotions. I hadn't gotten over it nor had I really felt any feelings towards his words. I blocked them out. It would just be another thing I have to cry over. But in a way I guess I saw his little outburst coming. Glen has always shown his disinterest in me.

"It's okay. Just-Just don't worry about it." Things feel silence between the both of us.

"I'm heading to Degrassi to fix their stage up; Nothing major, just a simple job. Wanna tag along? It shouldn't take more than a few hours." I looked up at Jake, holding my book close to my body.

"Sounds great."

xxx

"Okay, so meet me at the theater in an hour." I nodded my head.

"You took your phone right?" He questioned as I got out of the car, him doing the same thing. I nodded my head, rolling my eyes slightly.

"Yes I did." I said taking my phone out of my back pocket, waving it around. I hadn't turned my phone on in days, I wouldn't be surprised if there were a thousand messages from Bianca; She tends to worry a lot.

"Alright, see you soon." He said giving me a small nod and walking up the steps and into the school.

I looked at the appearance of my old high school, not seeing much of a change. Everything was well kept-as it had always been. I strolled up the steps to the front entrance. Through the glass door I could see that the halls were empty which relieved me. I wasn't in the proper emotional state to be surrounded by teenagers, running through the halls. I swung the door open, feeling the cool breeze of the air conditioner hit me. I reached into my back pocket and took out my phone, in case Jake needed to call me. I turned it on ready to see the flood of messages.

**55 Missed Calls **

**30 Messages**

Crap. I scrolled through my missed calls, all of them from Bianca. I pressed the call button, deciding to just get this over with. Within in the second ring Bianca answered.

"Finally! Holy fuck Clare where the hell are you?" Bianca sounded frantic, her voice filled with anger and great fear.

"Bee I'm alright-"

"Where the fuck are you!" She cut me off, practically screaming into the phone.

"I'm at my parents house!" I shouted back at her, but quickly lowered my voice, noticing the receptionist giving me an odd look.

"Why the hell are you over there? You haven't talked to your mom in forever!"

"I don't know okay, I just sort of ended up there."

"And your mom and Glen let you stay there?" I walked towards the award case as I continued talking to Bianca.

"My mom let me stay but it's obvious Glen wants me out." Bianca paused for a few moments before replying in a soft voice.

"So..are you gonna stay there?"

"I don't know yet, but I kind of like it." I said staring off in no particular direction.

"Okay, Clare you're scaring the living shit out of me. Lately you've been really off and then you take off in the middle of the night to your mom's place!" Her voice quieted down a bit.

"I'm just worried about you Clare." I wanted to reply with the most bland and over used reply, 'I'm fine' but Bianca knows there's something going on. I guess it's time to be honest.

"I just need to get away for a while because I'm not okay Bianca."

"Well alright. What ever's going on in your life I want you to take care of. Stay there as long as you need okay? Alli and I will be here to welcome you home when the time comes."

"Thank you Bee, this means so much. I love you."

"I love you too Clarebear." She said with a small laugh. "Oh, I think you might like what I'm about to tell you." I scrunched my eyebrows together and smiled.

"And what would that be?" I said deciding to start walking down the halls.

"Eli stopped by yesterday." My heart rate sped up as I waited for her to continue. "He came by to ask if you were there because you didn't show up to class. He seemed kind of worried, so I gave him your number."

"You gave him my number!"

"Calm down, he said he wasn't going to text or call you unless you did first. He said he didn't want to intrude or whatever. Want his number?"

"Um-Sure?"

"Alright, I'll text it to you-Hold on." I heard a male voice in the background as Bianca talked to who ever was there.

"I gotta go Clare, Drew wants to continue our date. Be safe, okay? Call me if you need anything, also don't be afraid to check in."

"Alright Bee." I pressed the end call button and sighed stuffing my phone into my back pocket, feeling it vibrate knowing that was Bianca texting me Eli's number.

I thought Eli had a family emergency and that he wouldn't be in class. I'm so confused about all of this, maybe I can text him when I get home and hope for an answer. Although it's truly none of my business, I still would like to know. I'll find out sooner or later...

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**Did you like it?**

**Reviews makes Elijah (My kitteh) smile :3**

**Oh, Eli will be in the next chapter...as well as xo**

**See you next Saturday (If I can make it on time -_-)**


	8. The Text

**Hi!**

**Sorry there wasn't an update last week but I was busy and nervous about my final-which I passed :D**

**Enjoy your on time update of Stolen Innocence!**

****NOTE: I know nothing about the University of Toronto. I did my best on the research of it all so please if there are any mistakes just ignore them or if you have the answer to them just PM me. I don't live in Canada and many things are different here in New Mexico. Anyway yeah :3**

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I sat on my bed in a baggy shirt and sweat pants with my hair done up into a messy bun as I stared at my phone that sat carelessly in my lap. The white letters jumped out from the screen, illuminating the black background it was displayed on. The light would dim and then a short while after the screen would go blank, I pressed a key and I'd start over again.

My eyes skimmed over Bianca's text message-the one containing Eli's number. The number's were underlined in dark blue, meaning I could click on it and either call or text that number. I had been sitting on the bed for what seemed like a decade deciding on whether or not to jump in and do it.

I guess my mind was already made up on texting him, but I guess I just couldn't build up the courage to do so. I don't know why I'm so nervous, he's just a boy.

_A boy did this to you_

My fingers skimmed across my touch screen phone as I pressed on the number seeing options displayed. I clicked 'extract address'. I saved his number into my phone and began to create a text message, not thinking what I was going to say at all. My fingers danced across the key pad, as I wrote a simple message.

**"Hey Eli, this is Clare. Bianca gave me your number.."**

I look over the message with only slight hesitation before hitting the send button. Now I play the waiting game. A few minutes passed and my phone lit up and vibrated. I quickly grabbed it, my mind flashing with possible replies. Why was I freaking out over a simple text? Why wouldn't he want to talk to me? He was the one asking for my number.

I opened the text message quickly reading it.

**Hey, I missed you in class**

I smiled at his kind words and replied.

**I thought you weren't gonna be in class?**

Besides why would he miss me? We've barely ever talked, we're truly nothing more than classmates.

**I wasn't but I decided to go-and how did you know I wasn't going to be in class?**

Great..

**I talked to Professor Hendrix when I asked for some help on the essay, I asked about you and she mentioned you wouldn't be in. So I decided to just not show up.**

A little fib can't hurt. I wasn't going to tell him I read his very personal essay, I'm not too sure how he'd react to that.

**Ah, you couldn't stand going through one class without little ole' me?**

I rolled my eyes laughing.

**Oh yes! I couldn't bare going to class without Mr. Goldsworthy by my side**

**...**

**I knew it! But did you at least turn your essay in beforehand right?**

My mouth ran dry, thinking of a possible answer that could work. Would he be upset if I told him that I did but burned it out in the backyard a few nights back. There would be no way in hell I would have turned that essay in and have _her_ know about the worst part of my life. If I had managed to muster up some creativity I would have been able to write the essay about my dog, but it would be mediocre at best. It wouldn't do for Mrs. Hendrix's strict and high standards. I'm sure Eli passed with flying colors though.

**Of course I did, I'm not a slacker. I got it done and turned it in the day before class.**

I hate having to lie to him-or anyone really-but I don't have a choice.

**Good! I'm sure you did well. So, do you maybe wanna to get a cup of coffee?**

**...**

**I'm actually staying at my mom's house, that's where I've been since I missed class. Just needed to get away for a bit. But I should be back soon, rain check?**

**...**

**Rain check it is. Goodnight Clare, talk to you tomorrow **

**...**

**Night Eli :)**

I held my phone to my chest, smiling like a fool at a simple yet so powerful conversation with Eli. Maybe powerful isn't the right word more like, uplifting. My spirits brightened-even if only for a moment-is something so amazing.

Talking to him made me feel like my old self again. Carefree, bubbly, and hardworking. Even though the last part was a lie, I still felt like I actually did write my essay and made Professor Hendrix proud.

_You're lying to yourself_

Everything's going to be fine.

_Lies_

_Lies_

_Lies_

xxx

"-Teenagers these days I swear to God they don't listen." Jake said as he ranted on about the other day when we both went to Degrassi. Apparently his experience wasn't that great.

"I couldn't get any work done without them constantly bothering me or being so damn loud." He muttered something to himself and continued eating his lunch. I giggled a little at his behavior and how he acted in an almost animated fashion. Currently my mom, Jake, and I were all at the kitchen table having a nice sit down lunch. Just a simple egg salad sandwich with chips on the side. My mom sat across from me half way done with her plate as well as Jake; I had yet to touch my food.

Glen was out at work, meeting up with a client-I was thrilled about that. He hadn't talked to me or my mom much since his mini explosion. He seemed to have diffused a bit but still held this nervous energy, whenever I entered the room. It was clear his feelings towards me would never change.

"Well do you have any work left there." My mother asked lightly dusting the salt from hands that the chips had caused. Jake sighed loudly while chewing on his food. "Yes." he muttered.

"Well too bad you need to finish up, we have many more projects to." Glen's voice chimed in. We seriously need to put a bell on him, I didn't even hear the door open..

I stared down at my plate wanting to avoid any eye contact with him. He walked up to the table flipping through the envelopes he had in his hand, quickly dropping one on my plate. "That's for you." He said in a stern voice. I looked up watching him as he placed the rest of them on the counter and immediately having some chips from the bag that my mom had left open. I looked over at my mom, who wore a confused look on her face.

Why the hell would I have mail coming to my mom's house?

I looked down at the envelope reading the print on the outside

"University of Toronto"

Crap. This can't be good.

I grabbed the envelope, ripping it open being careful to not rip the letter and its contents. Once I opened it I pulled the letter out, my heart starting to race about what this could be about. I'd never gotten a letter from them before at such a random time like this.

_Dear Miss. Clare Edwards, _

_You're grade point average (1.5) is below our standards that must be kept (2.5 or higher) in order to continue to be a student at University of Toronto (UofT) we are placing you under Academic Probation. Academic Probation is a warning signal. It indicates that your performance was below the minimum standard set by the University of Toronto (UofT). It should signal to you that something needs to change..._

My stomach dropped as I folded the letter and tossed it on the table. My mother saw my reaction and quickly grabbed the it and gasped as she read it.

"Academic Probation, Clare! What is going on?" She almost yelled the first but then softened her tone at my reaction to all this.

I shrugged biting my lip, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. From the corner of my eye I saw Jake stand up from his seat waving Glen over. I heard their footsteps leave and exit the kitchen, heading out the front door. The room was silent, the wavering nerves settled in as my mom spoke up.

"This is why you came here. So you could run away from your problems?" My mother seethed. I looked up at her shaking my head, the clear tear drops falling from my eyes, running down my pale cheeks.

"That's not why." I whispered.

"Then why did you come here then? Because so far things aren't adding up."

"I just wanted to get away from it okay! I left because I can't stand it over there!" I shouted, the tears still falling. "There are too many bad memories there." I whispered more to myself then to her.

My mother stayed quiet, her eyes scanned over the letter once more. She folded it and stood up from her chair, placing it on the counter. She extended both of her arms out and placed them over on the counter closing her eyes and exhaling. She straightened herself out and turned towards me.

"Well whatever it that's causing this will pass." No it won't. "You don't have to tell me." She said looking almost defeated.

"Just..Just promise me you'll at least try to get off Academic Probation?" she said glancing over at me. I nodded my head, wiping my cheeks.

"I promise." She ran her hands through her hair and yawned, rubbing her face. She looked exhausted, as though she hadn't slept in weeks. Dark purple bags weighed heavy on her once smooth and clear complexion.

"Mom, why don't you go upstairs and rest, I'll take care of this alright?" She thought about my offer for a few moments before agreeing.

"I guess a nice nap would be the thing to recharge my batteries." She said with a small laugh, not even cracking a smile. I gave her a small smile as she walked over to me and placed a gently kiss on my forehead and sluggishly walked towards the stairs and up to her and Glen's bedroom.

I stood up from the table and walked the short distance to where the letter sat. I stared at it for a moment and then took it, opening it and looking over it again. Each word made my stomach churn with self loathing. How had I let myself slip this far behind and into a deep dark whole of nothing? I want out, I want out _now._

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**I hope you liked it**

**Review are very much appreciated. Each review truly makes me smile and gets me pumped and ready to write the next chapter. **

**Love you guys :3**

**Spoilers!:** Major changes for Clare in the next chapter

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	9. The Danger

**glkjbgjkd okay what**

_**10 reviews on the last chapter?**_

**Thank you so much!**

**Okay, sorry for the ** late** update. I truly am, but I've been spending a lot of time with my family, primarily my grandparents, and I just _hate_ doing half-ass updates**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

**Note: I tried my best with editing it. So yeah~**

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"You'll be fine honey." My mom said to me as I sat stone faced in the passenger seat of her old beat up Volvo. We both sat parked in the U of T main campus parking lot. It felt like my first day of kindergarten, my mother with a cheery smile on her face yet masking the worry and pain behind her fragile smile. And me pouting refusing to attend. What's wrong with this picture?

"Clare, I know this is going to be hard but you'll be okay. I'll be here after you're done with your classes to pick you up okay?" Last night after my mom's nap she sat me down, apparently having not napped at all but rather stayed up thinking of what to do for me. She figured it would be best if I went back but she brings me there. Apparently she doesn't trust me enough to go on my own. Although I can't truly blame her, I wouldn't trust me either.

I nodded my head, wanting to get out of this car, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. . I leaned over and opened the door sticking one leg out of the car ready to leave when my mom gently grabbed my arm. I stopped and turned my head around to face her.

"I love you, Clarebear." She said giving me a gentle smile. I forced a small grin onto my face, nodding my head while muttering. "I love you too, mom." She hesitantly released my arm. "Okay, I'll see you at 4, sweetie. Have a fun day." I stepped out of the car, closing the door shut and giving her a small wave as she drove off.

I truly had no intention on going to class. I made up my mind late last night when I was contemplating leaving and just returning to my dorm, due to the pressure that was now put on me. The logical side of me knew that wouldn't be a very smart idea because things would eventually get worse. I was giving my mother the benefit of the doubt by showing up.

I casually walked around campus not knowing what I could exactly do for 4 hours when I should be filling my brain with knowledge and boring lectures. As I continued to walk I spotted my dorm complex. A small visit wouldn't hurt, besides I need more clothes and a few other things. I don't see myself leaving my mom's house anytime soon.

I walked to the front entrance, swinging the door open hearing some students talking, snack wrappers being opened, and the sound of pages being turned rapidly in a text book. I slowly made my way past the chill room, ignoring the students that were working. I just wanted to get in and get out, no chit chat.

Once I made my way up the stairs I walked up to my dorm room seeing a sock hanging on the door knob. Great. Bianca and Drew are having some fun time. I don't care. I need my stuff regardless if they're getting freaky in there.

Turning the knob quickly I entered the room, seeing the beds empty but the unmistakable moans coming from Bianca and the rough grunts from Drew and the occasional skin slapping against skin. They're too busy and lost in their own world to even notice I was here, which ultimately works out for me. I took of my back pack, tossing it on Bianca's bed, and walking over to the dresser we both shared.

_"Ah! Drew!"_

I heard Bianca shout. I grabbed a few more shirts, pants, and some underwear. I closed the drawer stuffing everything into my backpack and zipping it up, throwing it over my back sticking my arms through the loops. As I walked towards the door I decided to maybe have a little fun with this. All the other times I had interrupted Drew and Bianca they had both seen me. You only live once, right?I opened the door and shouted.

"Have fun you two!" Slamming the door behind me, I could hear Bianca shriek and yelling a few things to Drew.

_"Why didn't you lock the door! That was the one thing you had to do!"_

**xxx**

I sat at a table near the front of Starbucks, playing with my now destroyed coffee cake. I came in about an hour ago not knowing where to go exactly. Just a few more hours until I'm back home; Should I call it home? I never had any intention on staying there for this long, just a small getaway. Besides I'm not even sure if I've over stayed my welcome. I know my mom is more than happy to have me back home she must have some sort of resentment towards me. I ignored her and her marriage to Glen through my last year of high school. I refused to ever fix it up until now. Maybe it was this_ situation_ that made me realize I need to hold onto the good things in life, the things that actually matter; Family. I can have as many friends as anyone could ever want but they could never replace the caring and tenderness only a mother could hold.

Once I came and sat for a few minutes, the manager told me I had to leave unless I bought something. So I bought a coffee cake, one of my favorite desserts but I'm not that hungry. So instead of dining on this lump of sugar I decided to play with it a bit. Turning it into a pile of mush.

The bell to Starbucks rang, signaling a new customer. I snapped my head up to see a boy enter with raven black hair and a solemn expression. Eli?

As if he new I was here, he turned his head in my direction as we locked eyes. His green orbs glowed, shining, making my stomach flutter in an odd way.

"Hey." He said softly, walking towards my table. He had one hand placed on the loop of his backpack, keeping it steady on his one shoulder.

"Hey." I repeated back as I glanced down at my coffee cake, feeling his stare as I suppressed a smile, feeling a blush cascade across my cheeks.

"Well, this seems to be our little meetup place." Eli said laughing. I looked up at him with a puzzled expression. He seemed to have understood my reaction, then elaborating.

"The last time we met up was at Starbucks before class a few weeks ago. Oh, By the way, where were you? You promised you'd be in class." He said with a shy and worried look. Crap, I completely forgot about that. I rested back in my seat a bit thinking of what I could say until he spoke up once again.

"It's cool, you don't have to tell me as long as everything's okay." I looked over at him, feeling slightly agitated. What was he supposed to mean by that? The way he said it made it seem as though he knew something was wrong. I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Well do you think something's wrong?" I asked in an accusing tone. Eli scrunched his eyebrows together, giving me this 'what the fuck' look.

"Yeah. I do." He licked his lips, looked around for a few seconds then landing his eyes on me. "You just look so..different. I know we've never really talked except for a few weeks ago but you look so different. You used to be so bubbly and a ray of sunshine; Nothing could bring you down. You're smart and studious but lately you've been ditching all your classes. I'm just worried."

"You don't know me. Maybe this is the real me; Showing my true colors." He contemplated that for a moment and pulled out the chair from across me dropping his backpack to the ground. He took a seat resting his arms on the table.

"Then let me get to know the real Clare." I studied his features to know if he was serious about this. The old Clare would have been doing backflips and running up and down at this. But the now darkened Clare is masking her old self.

"Okay." He smiled at me, seeming excited about this. God, I hope I don't regret this.

**xxx**

_**2 hours later**_

"I'll see you later Clare." Eli said with a beaming smile. We had talked for 2 straight hours about ourselves, just trying to understand each other. I learned a lot about him, some things truly shocked me but it did give me a better idea of who Eli was. I can't lie that, those were the best two hours of my life. I haven't smiled this much in a _long_, long time.

"See you later Eli." I said, giving him a small wave. We weren't that far apart until he walked closer to me giving me a side hug. My smile dropped as my body became paralyzed. Disgust and guilt ran through me, thoughts circulating in my mind.

Eli waved at me a little and walked away turning around once to look over at me. I turned quickly on my heels wanting to just be alone. It would be an hour before my mom picked me up and the alone time would be nice.

My skin crawled at his touch, as though my body relived that night. I may not have been conscious but my body knew what happened. My heart beat faster as I left the main campus, seeing a full parking lot.

Some relief set in as I leaned against the wall, trying to compose myself. My breathing was uneven, the adrenaline from this panic attack still in full swing.

"Woah, you okay there?" A voice said in front of me. I looked up at the voice as I swallowed the lump in my throat finding the words to speak.

"Yeah. Yeah, not really." I rested my back against the wall closing my eyes for a short while before hearing the man next to me light a match and the smelling the scent from his cigarette. I rolled my head to the side where he was. He had baggy clothes with some words written on them, but not being able to read them.

He took the lit match and waved it around a bit, making it go out and then stepping on it. I watched as he took a long drag of his cigarette, seeing the smoke escape from his mouth and nose. He had this almost euphoric look on his face, as though he got some internal pleasure that visibly relaxed his body.

The man caught my eye and laughed a little, holding the cigarette carton out to me. "Want one?"

I stared at it for a few seconds, the logical side of me sprung free and scolded me for even thinking about attempting class. I know how harmful a cigarette can be but this burning desire pushed me to give it a go. Maybe I could have that same feeling that he did.

"Sure, thanks." I said quietly as I walked towards him a little grabbing one and holding it between my fingers. He lit the match for me and lit my cigarette. I looked down at it, feeling the overwhelming stench of the smoke filling my lungs and burning my nose. I threw all caution to the wind and put it between my lips, inhaling the toxic smoke.

I imitated his movements, not feeling anything at first. I took a second inhale, feeling this tingly sensation all over my body. I rested against the wall finishing my cigarette.

"I'm Jeremy." The man next to me said.

"I'm Clare." I said not looking at him.

The hour came and went as Jeremy and I had a small talk, him lending me a few more cigarettes to last me until tomorrow. He told me about his daughter him and his girlfriend both have together and they're both his world. I told him about my mom and Glen. He had a few words of wisdom he gave to me. I'm not too sure what he meant by what he said but it doesn't matter. I'm just glad I could talk to someone. Jeremy seems like a really nice guy, I may have found myself a new friend.

When my mom arrived she could smell the strong scent of smoke around me, she questioned it but I simply told her I went to study in the library and there were plenty of people smoking in there.

She bought it.

_More lies_

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**I wasn't too happy with this chapter but I hope you liked it~ Reviews are always lovely!**

**_Mini spoiler(s)!_ Okay soooooo, I've been hinting at something in this chapter as well as the last chapter, it has to do with Clare (lol, duh) Has anyone noticed it? **

**annnddd**

**xo _was_ in this chapter. Not like lurking from a distance and unseen. He was here. I love it when you guys guess who it is ^_^**

**Alright, toodles!**


	10. The Confession Part 1

**I'm just gonna update when I can. I explained it in my update to my other story Maybe I Was Wrong.**

**I had to speed it up by 2 weeks because I just didn't really know what to do.**

**Here you go :3**

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_**2 Weeks Later**_

"I just don't get it." Jeremy said taking a long drag from the cancer stick placed carelessly on his lips.

"I work my ass off to put some damn food on the table and she still ain't happy with me. Doesn't 40 plus hours at my shitty job, full time student, and being a daddy to a 4-year-old mean anything? I ain't even got time to get some damn sleep." I bit my lip listening to him, nodding my head to what he was saying.

"I completely understand that." I said, as he looked over at me. "Well I've never truly experienced that but you have a valid argument." Jeremy pursed his lips absorbing my words. Although there wasn't much to say about this, but there was strong truth behind my words. Jeremy and his girlfriend Rochelle had dated in their Junior and Senior year. A few months before their graduation she got pregnant. Jeremy was a smart student, getting mostly A's, but this set him back.

They both ended up having a daughter, Macy. Jeremy told me a lot about her and her love for sports, I'd love to meet this little tom boy some day. Altogether Jeremy seems like a dedicated father and boyfriend. Not so sure about how he is as a student, but his back pack is always filled with books. Plus he doesn't seem to talk about his current studies that much. All I know is he's studying mechanical engineering.

"You're smart little miss Clare. Tell me what I can do. Help me fix my life." He said with a a playfulness to his tone. I leaned back against the wall, flicking my cigarette a bit.

"Like I'd actually be able to help you. I can't even get my damn life together." I muttered the last part. Jeremy's eyes grew concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." He laughed stuffing his cigarette carton into his back pack and standing up.

"Yeah I do." He extended his hand out to me, I gratefully took it lifting myself up. He dusted himself off and checked his watch.

"This was a nice talk Clare, we should do it again sometime. See ya around." He said winking at me as he walked off into the parking lot and into his car driving off.

Since Jeremy and I met we've talked a lot, always meeting up at the spot where we first met. We're both just lost people trying to find our way out of our cluttered life. Although he doesn't know the full story of what I'm going through, real shocker there.

Eli and I stopped texting each other and progressed to talking on the phone a lot. He had finally dropped asking why I hadn't been going to school. I think he finally realized it's my life and my decisions. He seems to be silently protesting my actions but who knows. I get this happy feeling when we talk, like my world is finally at ease for just those few hours we talk.

Honestly a lot has changed. A few days my mom and I had-yet another-sit down chats about my living situation. We've both come to the conclusion that it would be best if I left my dorm and stayed full time at her house. I obviously asked about Glen and she simply brushed him off telling me "Not to worry".

My mom still doesn't know about me not attending my classes like I had promised or about the smoking. She'll find out at the end of this term when they send a follow up letter on whether or not I'm allowed to continue as a student here.

So really my only purpose for coming onto campus and actually doing something was to tell Bianca the news and fill her in on what had been going on. I'm not sure how she'll take the news. We've been roommates for a long time so it'll be weird for me to officially move out. I'll eventually be replaced by someone that I hope Bianca will get along with.

I strolled over to my dorm complex for hopefully one of the last times. I swung the door open accidentally running into Katelyn, our dorm manager. I suspected she'd be questioning my whereabouts, seeing as I haven't been here in maybe a month.

"Look who finally decided to show up." I scrunched my eyebrows at her. Lately my temper's been just awful, so she chose the wrong person to bitch at.

"I'm just here to get my stuff." I said pushing past her. "If you'd actually been doing your job right-which you know you don't then you'd know that I notified the school that I was leaving on campus housing."

She stood slightly, as did a few of the other students around us. Yeah, that's right bitch. Clare Edwards grew a pair. I walked up the stairs with this sense of accomplishment. And a hint of guilt. Whatever. That needed to be said, regardless if some of it isn't true..

**xxx**

"So that's it? You're leaving?" Bianca said with tears in her eyes. I sat next to her, keeping a respective distance, and playing my hands that were carelessly folded in my lap.

"I guess." I said shrugging slightly. "My mom and I just talked things over and I may actually get a chance to have my mom back."

"But that makes no sense. You hated her, you said nothing could ever bring you to her." I stayed quiet.

"Clare what the hell is going on!" She cried. I closed my eyes, trying to block her out.

"You just leave and then you push me out of your life? I'm 100% honest with you, I'm your best friend. I care about you! Talk to me!" She sobbed while straining her voice at the end. "_Please tell me!_" She shouted at me. My blood boiled as I clenched my fists, my eyes still closed shut. I couldn't hold back, my anger getting the best of me, as it had earlier.

"_I was raped okay! Are you happy?!_" I screamed back at her. I instantly covered my mouth. Tears came streaming down my face at my unintended confession. My emotions ran wild. I paced for a few feet, having a war with my emotions.

_No one was supposed to know!_

_You've ruined everything, you sick disgusting creature_

_Worthless!_

My internal voice screamed vial things at me. The voice was right.

"Clare?" Bianca questioned. My eyes flickered up to her, tears blurring my vision. I tugged at my hair, ready for another break down. I felt her arms wrap around me as I thrashed around wanting to get away as I sobbed, unable to control myself.

"Let go of me please!" Bianca brought me to the ground holding on to me, rocking us both back and forth as I cried.

"Please!" I strained out. She pulled back from me tears of her own falling as she smoothed the hair from my eyes, wiping my tears away.

"Clare, please. It'll be okay." She whispered to me. I shook my head furiously like a small child. "It won't." I whispered to her. She wiped her eyes and sniffled a bit. "When did this happen?"

Once again I whispered my answer to her, finding it hard to muster up my voice. "At the party."

Bianca pulled me closer to her and held me tightly as she began to cry. "I'm so sorry Clare. This is all my fault! I shouldn't have made you go. I knew something was wrong with you afterwards but I never-I never decided to help!_ I'm so sorry_."

I pulled back to face Bianca a bit shaking my head. "It's not your fault." The last thing I truly wanted was for Bianca to blame herself. I may have changed quite a bit because of all of this but my head is screwed on enough to know that she played no part in this. She couldn't have possibly known.

"Have you told anyone?" I shook my head.

"Clare you have to tell someone! This is serious!" She pleaded with me.

"No! How the hell are they going to find out who did this to me? Hm? Tell me Bianca! I don't remember a damn thing." I removed myself from her, wrapping my legs around my chest. Bianca inched as close as she could to me before proceeding to pepper me with painful questions.

"Maybe there were other victims, you have to report this. You may not be the only one. He could be doing this to other people!" I curled myself up tighter covering my ears with my hands rocking myself back and forth making a small humming noise to block this world out.

* * *

**In my mind this sounded really close to Darcy's rape confession...In some ways at least.**

**Part 2 is coming soon. I just wanted someone finding out about her rape and it being some what drawn out, I mean it is an emotional experience telling someone something like this. **

**Anyway, reviews mean a lot :3**


	11. The Confession Part 2

**Woot~**

**Oh and there's a semi-important A/N at the end :3**

**I did my best editing this (grr, I need an editor D:)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Have you gotten tested yet?" Bianca questioned. I nervously shook my head as I picked on my thumbnail. We had both remained in the same spot from earlier. Although the tears had stopped the pain was still clear to both of us.

I never really thought about getting tested, it just never crossed my mind. What if I'm pregnant or have an STD? I haven't noticed any major changes in my body that could point to pregnancy. I don't even want to think about the possibility of me having an STD. The thought of it makes my skin crawl.

"I didn't think about it." I bit my lip, staring at the ground with a blank expression. "It's kind of hard to think about anything really." I whispered, more to myself then to Bianca. Bianca sat across from me, a concerned expression still haunting her.

"Well do you want to get tested?" Bianca asked cautiously.

"I don't want you doing anything you're not comfortable with." She said trailing off at the end.

"I'm not too sure right now Bee." My eyes were still cast downward as she moved a little closer to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, resting her head against me.

"Things will get better Clare-bear." I felt her grab my right hand, interlacing her fingers with mine. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I tried to blink them away.

We sat for a few minutes in silence; It was a peaceful silence, not filled with tension or worry. It was nice. I heard Bianca take a deep breath.

"Do you know who could've done this to you?" She uttereted in a soft voice, as is this were a private conversation in a room filled with people.

_xo_

The hair on my neck stood as the blood in my veins grew cold, I didn't know who my rapist was. I had zero memory of that, not even a flash of who it could have been. The notes are the only thing that is reassuring me that it did happen. From finding the condom wrapper attached to the note in my pocket and the one I happened to find in my note book are all horrifying evidence of that night.

I suppose the second note if a big clue on who it could be. Obviously that meant that xo has or had access to my personal belongings. Oh god, what if it's some one close to me. Someone I trusted! I could be over thinking this but than again I could be right. This can't be real..

"Kind of?" I whispered. Should I tell her about xo? I swore to myself that no one would find out what happened that night; It would remain a secret, but I through that out the window. I'm terrified how she'll react.

"Kind of?" Bianca repeated with a confused tone to her voice as she removed her head from my shoulder.

"I-I want to tell you." I looked over at her, hoping to convey how I felt through my eyes. Perhaps she could see the fear that paralyzed me, overtaking my whole body. The hopelessness I felt every day and night.

I released her hand and pulled my legs up to my chest, holding them together as tight as I could. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, finding some sort of comfort in this. It made me feel a little better, not being able to see her reaction. She probably thinks I'm crazy or that I'm making this all up.

_You are crazy_

"I got this note from some guy. I don't know who it came from, but it's..it's really scaring me." I rested my head against my knees as I rocked myself slowly. Bianca was silent, I felt the heat from her body disappear as she moved away.

_Crazy_

_Crazy_

_Crazy_

"What." Bianca said, her voice have a hint of anger. We stayed silent for a few more seconds until I slowly stood up from where I had been sitting and walked across the room to my old bed. I dug under the space between the mattress and the box spring, pulling out the notes. The soft paper burned against my skin as I tossed it by Bianca's feet. I can't stand seeing those notes, let alone thinking about them.

I sat down right where I stood, across from Bianca. I just stared at her as she read the first one-the most recent one that I found in my notebook. Her nose scrunched up as she read it tossing it to the side. Her face dropped seeing the condom wrapper with the note. I looked around the room, not wanting to be in an emotional state; I've cried enough.

"He is a sick fuck!" Bianca said, her voice breaking. "Who the hell would do this!" She shouted, covering her mouth. She looked up at me, removing her hand from her mouth, wiping it on her pants. Her body shook slightly as she struggled to talk.

"If he _**ever**_ sends you any more of this bull shit, you tell me okay?" I nodded my head as I watched her rest back against the bed, wiping her tears that continued to flow.

"I will."

xxx

"Are you sure your mom will be okay with me staying over for a few days?" Bianca said taking her eyes off the road for a moments to look over at me.

"Yeah, I'm sure she won't mind." My mom would be so happy for me to have Bianca stay with me-us for a few days. Ever since I got that letter from the UofT my mom's been following me around the house, just watching me. I'm not allowed to sleep with my door closed-a rule that I haven't had since I was 12, plus some other ridiculous rules. She knows something's wrong.

"If you say so" Bianca muttered as she pulled up to my mom's house. She looked out the window.

"Place hasn't changed much." She muttered to herself. I smiled a little stepping out of the car.

"Yeah. Just avoid Glen. He's a bit of an ass." They both strolled up the steps to her mom's house, Bianca still shocked at Clare's use of a curse word.

I unlocked the door with the spare key that was left under the mat. When we entered the house, we were filled with the scent of dinner being cooked.

"Hey mom." I called out as I walked towards the kitchen. She poked her head out from around the kitchen smiling wide.

"Hi baby girl." She walked over to me giving me a hug. When she released me she looked over at Bianca.

"Oh mom this is Bianca, you remember her right?" My mom nodded her head as Bianca gave a big smile. "How have you been Mrs. Martin?"

I tuned out their small chit -chat, yawning as I looked over at the clock, seeing that it was only 6. I've had a long day, I'm turning in for the night. I looked over at my mom and Bianca, seeing them both engrossed in conversation-something that I never thought could have happened. Who knows what started this conversation.

"Well, I'm going to bed-completely exhausted." I said looking over at Bianca.

"Mom? Can Bianca stay in the guest room?" My mom smiled and nodded her head.

"Of course!"

* * *

**14 more chapters left until this story is done! You guys will find out who xo is at the end. And I will most likely do a sequel if you guys want one, lol I'll probably do one anyway**

**I hope that sounds good!**

**Reviews are much appreciated, each and every review I get makes me smile so much! You guys have no clue :D**

**Love you~**


	12. The Kiss

**Okay**

**First off**

**My grandpa had a stroke and broke his hip as well as family drama. So I haven't been able to get online long enough to update. Plus studying for my GED is taking up a lot of my time. Forgive me~**

**Here you guys go! :)**

**Quick shout out to The Cliffhanger Girl! She's been an amazing support for my stories and she continues to inspire me to better myself as a writer. Love you!**

* * *

"Go fish." Bianca said devilishly looking over through her handful of cards. I reached my hand over, keeping my stare locked on Bianca, hoping to intimidate her. I grabbed the card and quickly placed it with the rest of my cards.

"Damn you guys take this game way too seriously." Jake laughed as he watched us from the other side of the living room with an amused expression. Bianca and I both laughed.

"So what? A little competition is fun." Bianca said with a serious face. Jake then moved from his seat shaking his head, his wide grin still present.

"But you two take it to a whole new level." I took quick a peek over at him as he walked into the kitchen. Okay maybe we were a little too competitive but that's just who we are. Plus it was one of the many reasons we were best friends. It's an odd friendship seeing how our upbringing and pasts where completely different; We just worked out perfectly. Hell I was closer to Bianca than I was with my own sister.

As I was debating my next move, my phone lite up. It vibrated across the wooden coffee table, creating a loud humming noise. Bianca and I both turned our attention to my phone. The caller ID lite up displaying 'Incoming call from Eli'

I rose my eyebrows as confusion settled in. Why would he be calling me? A lump grew in my throat from anticipation.

"You gonna answer that?" Bianca said as she kicked me lightly. I shook my head. I'm sure what ever Eli had to say wasn't bad nor harmful in anyway...right?

_**Paranoia**_

"If you're too much of a pussy to do it then I will." Bianca said with fake anger and a smirk plastered on her face. I nervously set down my cards, as I watched her carefully.

"Hello?"

"Mhhmm. She's here."

"Do you want to talk to her?" I shook my head frantically waving my hands hoping she would understand that I did not want to talk to him.

"No no, she's not busy-" Bianca said crossing her legs, ignoring me.

"In fact we're just playing a game of cards. Let me get her on the phone for you." Bianca smiled at me handing over the phone.

"Haha, nice. Real smooth Bianca." Jake laughed from the kitchen. I looked over at him, as he spread peanut butter on a piece of bread. He waved the butter knife around pointing at both Bianca and I.

"You two. Are better than TV."

"Damn straight we are!" Bianca laughed. She turned to me shooing me to get on the phone.

Hesitantly I placed the phone to my ear hearing Eli breathing slightly as well as a voice hidden in the background.

"Hello?"

"H-Hey." Eli replied back, I blushed a little at his shyness. We had talked numerous times, so why the sudden stuttering? After a few moments of silence I spoke up.

"So you uh-called?" I heard him clear his throat, and the voice from the background reappeared. The voice was obviously that of a young boy, but I was still able to understand what he was saying. The boy kept saying _"Ask her"._

"Yeah. I-I did. I just-shut up dude, I'm asking. I just wanted to know if you would like to go to the movies tonight, around maybe 8ish?" My eyes flickered over to the clock seeing it was only 5pm. It was sort of a late invite. Maybe I shouldn't go, what were his intentions? Was this a date? Did he expect me to put out?

_Shut up Clare!_

Alright, I'm over thinking all of this. I have no clue.

Bianca snapped her fingers in front of my face, trying to get my attention. She mouthed to me "What is he saying?" I covered the mouth piece, moving it away from my mouth.

"He wants me to go to the movies with him tonight."

"Say yes! What the hell is wrong with you!?" She shouted at me.

"Fine! Okay, I'll tell me I can go. I just don't feel-"

"Clare, you there?"Eli said, cutting me off. I panicked slightly, pulling my legs up to my chest.

"Of course! I was just thinking if I could go."

"Can you?" Eli said, his nerves clearly present, even through the phone.

"Yep." I said with a light smile. I wasn't really up for going out to the movies with Eli, but maybe if Bianca could come I could be myself. For some reason the only boy I can be around alone with-besides Jake-is Jeremy. It's odd I know but Jeremy just seems to understand me, more than anyone else could in this time. And yes, not even Bianca could. Jeremy doesn't know about xo or what happened that night, unlike Bianca, but..it's just complicated.

"Great I'll pick you up 7:40?"

"Sounds good, but I have a quick question."

"Shoot."

"Could my friend Bianca tag along? I mean I invited her over to my house and it just doesn't seem right to leave her behind. Plus her boyfriend, Drew, wouldn't mind coming too." I know it was mean of me to do this but it's the only way I could feel comfortable. My eyes moved around the room as I waited for his response. Bianca had a "What the fuck do you think you're doing face" that honestly made me nervous. And Jake, well, let's just say he couldn't contain himself. I'm oh-so-glad we can be of entertainment to him.

"Uh, I don't see why not?" I smiled, biting my lip, now truly feeling excited.

"See you at 7:40!"

_**xxx**_

"And he's officially late-_again_." Bianca huffed as she paced back and forth.

"It's only 8:30." I interjected hoping to calm her down. The movie started 10 minutes ago, but we all knew the previews lasted a good 15 minutes until the movie actually started. Bianca was really strict about being on time-but only when it came to Drew. She's got that boy on a tight leash.

I looked over at Eli, as he stood in between Bianca and I. I felt a little bad about all of this. We're "late" going into the movie, Eli and I had yet to actually talk-and he was the one who invited me in the first place, and now Bianca was brooding in the corner because of Drew. Maybe I made a mistake saying yes to this.

"Oh my god, whatever. Drew fuck you and fucking everything! Come on let's just go see the stupid movie-and look who decided to show up!"

Finally.

"Sorry, sorry, I got held up at work." Drew said as he walked over to us, avoiding all eye contact with Bianca.

"Oh you got 'held up'? Like I actually believe you-"

"Can we just go see the movie Bee? I'm here okay? I'm sure Clare and her friend wouldn't want to listen to you yell at me."

I looked between Bianca and Drew, she still held her ground. Obviously she wasn't going to budge and who the hell knows how long this would take!

"Whatever. Eli and I are going into the theater right now. With or without you two." Bianca and Drew looked over at each other, as if silently debating on whether or not to stay. I had no patience left to wait. I walked towards Eli and grabbed his hand, making sure to look Bianca right in the eye. I was pissed off and her snippy little attitude didn't help. Eli was kind enough to invite me out and allowed them both to tag along. He deserves some respect, and her wanting to have an all out war with Drew was just wrong.

So Eli and I made our way into the theater, while still holding onto each other's hand, as I searched for an open seat. The movie Eli and I had chosen was _"The Perks of Being a Wallflower"_. Although there wasn't that great of a movie selection to begin with, I was surprised to discover Eli was fan of the novel, which happens to be one of my favorites. When we were able to find some seats I let go of Eli's hand, and sat down looking up at the screen. I was relieved we hadn't missed much, just the first few opening lines but nothing major.

As the movie progressed on, I would occasionally look over at Eli and as would he. I wasn't too sure if Bianca and Drew had made up, decided to go looking for us in theater, or had left, but I was happy. I felt like I was back in high school on my first date. It was a nice feeling. Scratch that, it was an_ amazing_ feeling. And to think I couldn't even be alone with Eli.

_"Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"_

From the corner of my eye I noticed Eli look over at me, I turned my head over to him, locking eyes. I smiled slightly at the light blush that cascaded down his smooth cheeks and covering his neck. The light from the movie perfectly illuminated his face, highlighting his best features. Eli looked down at the space between us, which really wasn't much since the arm rest between us was up. Eli's hand slowly made the journey over to mine, which lay limp in my lap. It felt as though our hands were miles apart but once they connected, I couldn't help but smile. Eli smirked at me as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

_"We accept the love we think we deserve."_

_**xxx**_

Throughout the rest of the movie Eli and I never once let go of each other's hand. It was sweet in a way, even on the ride back to my house he kept one hand on the steering wheel and one connected with mine.

It turns out Bianca had went into the movie by herself but sat at the very top. Apparently Drew and Bianca had some big fight which didn't end too well. I wanted to feel some sort of sympathy towards her but I just couldn't. In a way she did start it. Bianca was silent the whole ride home, not saying a word. Dare I say it was almost peaceful?

Eli was a true gentleman. He was sweet enough to walk me to my door-again still holding my hand. Bianca was long gone, she darted inside once we reached the house. I'll just deal with her later.

"I had a fun night Clare." Eli said with a shy face.

"Me too." I whispered back.

"It's the most fun I've had in a while. I know all we did was just watch a movie but, it was enough to have the time of my life." He laughed a little while scratching the back of his head.

I had so much I wanted to tell him. So much. How he was able to make me happy and smile for once. Not just me slapping a smile on my face but one that came from inside. The happiness just ran through my body from the top of my head down to my toes, warming my belly along the way. It was euphoric.

"Same here." Was all I could truly muster up. It would be hard to explain everything else but I think that would have to do for now. After a few moments of silence Eli calmly grabbed my other hand interlacing our fingers once again. He smiled at me leaning down, planting a soft a gentle kiss on my lips. He rested his head against mine, separating our lips, just having them hovering over each other, only centimeters apart.

"I love you, Clare."

* * *

**Dun. Dun. Dun.**

**Just so you know, this isn't some fairy tale bullshit. I don't go for that. So yeah. Any predications?**

**Reviews por favor? **

**See you next time lovelies!**


	13. The, Wait, What?

**I felt bad that I hadn't updated in a while, so here's a quick little chapter I was able to whip up.**

***coughs loudly* HINT HINT. Clare has been hiding a ''few'' things from y'all. So, a lot of it will be revealed as we near the end of this story.**

* * *

**_"The, Wait, What?"_**

* * *

"What?" I questioned as I stared at him. He gripped onto my hand a little tighter as if I was going to float away from him.

I put a small distance between us, feeling my walls coming up. I needed an explanation _now_.

We haven't been friends for long, we've barely even spoken more than a few words to each other. And he loves me?

_"Come on, let's go."_

_"Hey there Clarebear, time for some fun"_

_"Hold still"_

_"Sh, don't let anyone know. Shut up! Just be quiet!"_

My skin crawled, I felt a cold sweat. My head spun as I looked around. Why was this happening?

Was he _him_? xo?

"Clare?" I didn't reply.

"Clare are you okay?" I shook my head, releasing my hand from his. He tried grabbing my hand again, but I pushed him away. I felt weak. Mentally _and_ physically. Chills ran through my body, I felt my stomach do flips as I lost touch with reality, falling into a terrible nightmare.

Images and voices of that night came flashing through my mind. I gave three forceful blows to my head, my nails leaving crescent shaped marks on my scalp as I hastily grabbed for my hair.

I pushed my body against the wall, nearly falling into a fetal position as I battled with myself. I didn't feel safe, and then I saw him from the distance. I couldn't stop this hell. Subconsciously I knew what I was seeing wasn't real, but it felt too real.

There were no distinguishing features to him; I couldn't remember a damn thing about him. All I could see was an outline of what this monster looked like.

He walked towards me, an evil smile painted on his face. He walked with an arrogant stride. It was as if I was staring into the satan's eyes. Such evil was contained in his jet black eyes, showing nothing but your own fear and torture. This man wasn't human.

"Clare! Clare sweetie look at me! Look at me, dammit!" My mother's voice rang through the horrific thoughts. Her voice was muffled, as if it was coming threw an old P.A system.

I opened my eyes only to experience bad vertigo mixed with tunnel vision, as I saw a few familiar faces that brought slight comfort to me, but I was still in flight mode, terrified of what was to happen next.

It was a hell.

"Get away from me!" I screamed. I wasn't thinking at all. The logical side of me new it was my mother, yet, from what I could see, it looked like the man from that night.

My mind was playing tricks on me.

"Clare, baby you have to relax!"

"No!" I thrashed around as her arms contained me. "Don't hurt me again you son of a bitch! Get away from me!"

As quickly as it began, it ended. It was over. I opened my eyes, for real this time, seeing those who stood around me. My mother caressed my face, as I began to notice the sweat my body had produced from this attack.

"Mom?" I croaked, as a few tears fell.

"Shh, it's okay baby, It's okay. Jake called an ambulance. Everything will be okay." I shook my head as I hid my face against my mother's chest, inhaling her familiar scent. She's the only one that can protect me from the world.

"I'm scared momma." I whispered to her, as she continued to hold me. My body trembled slightly, as I struggled to recover. I could see the lights from the ambulance flashing against the wall and the large roar of a fire engine. I closed my eyes, not wanting to go through this.

A dreadful feeling came into view as I realized what had just happened. I had flashbacks, terrible flashbacks, from that night all in front of Bianca, Eli, Jake, and my mom.

When the thoughts, voices, and pictures came running through my head I couldn't remember a damn thing that was going on around me. But once I came back to reality, I was relieved my mom was holding me.

"Alright, what's going on here." A lady with a soft voice questioned. Eli and Jake both spoke to her as Bianca crouched down to my level, stroking my face. I closed my eyes, feeling comforted and protected by the two most important people in my life. But at the same time, I listened closely to what they were saying to the lady.

"I don't really know what happened, Eli just called me out and then I saw her on the ground. She was shaking and screaming, covering herself. Like—Like she was fighting off something that wasn't there."

Eli then interjected, adding to Jake's statement. "I was just talking to her, I—I don't know what happened. The way she reacted was completely unexpected."

"Well what did you say to her?" The lady asked. Eli paused for a moment before answering.

"I told her I loved her and then she went into some war flashback. Look, I'm just really, really worried about her. She doesn't look right."

"Alright, thanks guys. Let me see if I can get her to talk to me." I heard her walk towards me, as well as a few other heavy footsteps.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" The lady asked me. I kept my eyes closed as I shook my head.

I could have acted strong and shook everything off, but I guess this is my breaking point. I've never felt so weak in my life. I don't know what's going on, and frankly, I don't want to know.

"How do you feel?" No reply

"Alright, guys let's get some vital signs on her." She shouted to the rest of the EMT crew, as she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Just lay here and we'll work around you, okay? You just get some rest alright." I gave her a small nod as I held onto my mom a little tighter.

As the EMT's were working on me I heard the lady talking to either Jake or Eli. "She felt and looked a little underweight; Almost emaciated once I touched her shoulder. Than again, I'm not a doctor, so I'm not sure. Let me ask you, as she ever had an eating disorder? Mental sickness, such as schozophrenia? Anything in that area, if so that would help us inform the nurses once we are at the hospital."

"No, she never has, nothing even close really. Is this something we should be worried about?" Jake questioned.

"It's something you should just check. These things can get bad pretty fast. But as for her episode, she would have to go to the hospital." There was a pause before Eli spoke up.

"Do you think she'll be alright?"

"Oh yeah, she will. Once she gets to the ER, you'll be able to know in better detail what's going on, and what this means for the future."

"Thank you, so much." My mother spoke up, as she placed a kiss on my head, while rocking me back and forth a little more.

Things are about to change.

**_xxx_**

"So you're telling me you just passed out? That's it?" Jeremy questioned, his confusion clearly present.

My mom and I had stayed all night in the E.R talking to numerous doctors and nurses. Unfortunately the E.R that night was packed tight, which left little to know time for us to talk to the oncall doctor. But at around 3am a room was finally available, and that's where I currently am.

I don't really know why they had decided to admit me. I was fine. But I guess they wanted to run a few more tests. I guess they saw something wrong with me. I hope they find nothing, because there is _nothing_ wrong with me. At all.

"Yeah, I guess." I said, laying back in the lumpy hospital bed. "I don't really remember much."

**_Lies._**

**_You are such a liar!_**

"You sure? From what your mom told me it was pretty bad." I shrugged looking out the window, seeing the busy cars and tall buildings.

"Like I said. I don't remember anything." He nodded, seeming to take my answer, but not fully convinced.

And that's when it came back. The thoughts, the faces, him. It wouldn't go away. His constant touch become more pronounced, leaving a burning trail down my body. I couldn't move. He had me right where he wanted me.

"Clare?" As Jeremy spoke, the muffled voices reappared.

"What if I told you something really bad happened?" I whispered as horrid vertigo attacked me. I closed my eyes tight, feeling tears fall down my pale cheeks.

"Clare, what happened?" I felt him sit closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Something bad, bad." I whispered, as I tried to speak through the silent sobs that wracked my body.

I felt him pull my body up as I leaned into him, crying on his shoulder. I pulled my knees up to my chest, allowing myself to give into my inner demons. I cried for who knows how long, until the tears slowly stopped.

I came back to reality.

The voices were gone, I could breathe, but the cold chill of that night still lingered over me, more pronounced than ever.

Jeremy pulled me away from him slightly and held my face in his hands.

"What the hell happened to you?" He questioned. He held me as my body relaxed. My arms ached as well as my back. I was physically falling part.

My mental health was rapidly declining as the days went on and now I was losing control of my body.

I need help or else I'm going to die. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let what _he_ did end my life.

* * *

Who do you think is _xo_?

_**Review, review, review!**_

**I _really_ appreciate your feedback!**

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	14. The Pain

**_"The Pain"_**

* * *

"Now when did this all start?" Dr. Shannon Arnett asked. Dr. Arnett was the head psychiatrist. She seemed to be a laid back doctor, but with nervous tendencies. She would occasionally fumble with her papers, or nibble on her pen; She was still a nice lady.

I met her on my first day here. And by 'here' I mean the Inpatient Mental Health Unit at Toronto General Hospital. After my episode they felt it was best to keep me here for a minimum of 2 weeks. They talked about performing a mental evaluation because my mom said that they worried for my mental health. They went on telling her that I may have some mental illness, such as schizophrenia or bipolar. But it's unlikely that I have either now.

Currently, I sat on the chair opposite to Dr. Arnett, with my right leg pushed up to my chest. My hospital id band scratched against me as I struggled to stay still.

"When did what start?" I questioned, wrapping an arm around my leg.

Dr. Arnett raised her eyebrow at me. She saw right through my act. I watched her while she readjusted herself in her chair.

"Do you understand why you're here?" She said in a calm tone. I responded by slowly nodding my head.

"Can you explain to me why you're here?"

"I had a small freak out. Nothing big."I said muttering the last part while averting my gaze. I knew why I was here, but it's yet to occur to me _what_ caused me to be here.

"Look, Clare, I know you're going through something. Your mom knows it, your friends know it, and I know it, and I just met you." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk.

"Clare we all care about you so much. You have so many people that love you."

"Why are you telling me this?" I whispered. "If you think this is going to make me open up or snap me into shape it's not."

"That's not my intention-"

"Then what are you trying to do? Hm? I'd like to know."

"I want you to see what you're doing to yourself." The room fell silent. I crossed my arms, looking away from her.

"I've just been over worked. You know, with school and everything."

"But you're not going to school. In fact you were on academic probation. The University has been kind enough to allow you back once things are better. Not many universities do that."

"I know." I muttered, biting my finger nail. Another dead silence lingered between us.

"Clare? Let me just tell you one thing and we can talk about whatever you want; You still have 25 minutes left." A sense of relief ran through me as I mustered up enough compassion to look her in the eyes.

"You are on a very serious path to self destruction. You've lost nearly 40 pounds, you look emaciated. Even your blood work done at the time of your admission to the ER shows you're dehydrated, low in iron, and protein levels. You're classified as borderline anorexic." I looked out the side window, seeing the courtyard to the hospital. I focused on so many things around me, rather then what was inside.

I nodded my head and stood up from my chair.

"May I use the restroom?" She put her head down and nodded before leaning back in her chair.

"Alright, take your time. You can use my personal restroom." She said, pointing to a door that was slightly ajar.

Why do people constantly think something's wrong? How are they able to "help" me when I refuse to say no more than a few words. Their efforts are futile.

I felt my skin itching, tingling almost. My body craved the sweet nicotine that brought me relief. I guess that's just another problem to add to my list.

I rushed towards the door and stepped inside, searching for the light switch. Once I found it, I flicked it on. The lights flickered slightly before turning on, illuminating the room. The walls had a cream color to them and floor seemed to be neglected by the cleaning staff for who knows how long.

I closed the door behind me, locking it. I turned around, coming face-to-face with someone I didn't recognize.

Her cheeks were sunken in, her hair was brittle. The light pink pajamas that adorned her frail features illuminated her alarmingly small waist.

I whipped around, not wanting to see this stranger anymore. I placed my right forearm against the wall, as I rested my forehead against my arm. I closed my eyes, as the images ran through my mind.

I slid my body against the door, letting my arm fall limp by my side. I rolled over slowly, leaning my body weight against the door, seeing the stranger again.

She was sick.

All of this felt like a movie and I was its only viewer. I stayed at the edge of my seat just waiting to see what happens next. The suspense was palpable. The fear, overwhelming. Her sickness was all I could see.

But, sadly, this wasn't a movie; It was my life. It was my existence. Perhaps talking with Dr. Arnett isn't as unnecessary as I thought.

I pulled my eyes away from the mirror while slowly moving myself away from the door, opening it slowly. Dr. Arnett sat at her desk writing some notes down before looking up at me.

"You ready to talk?" She said in a calm voice, closing my folder and pushing it aside. She rested back in her chair, it bounced a bit as it supported her weight.

She motioned her hand towards the chair where I had previously sat. I bit my lip taking small steps towards it before finally taking a seat. There was tension in the room. Tension for me to talk and reveal everything to her. A small part of me wanted to let the flood gates loose and tell her everything. Yet the dark side of me wanted to lock everything up, keep it in me, throughout the key.

But that is not going to happen.

"Where would you like to start?" She asked as I looked down at the floor.

"I don't know."

"Well there has to be something that started all of this. Even if you don't remember we're going to find out what that is." I stayed quiet. The word party was on the tip of my tongue.

That's where everything started.

"There-" I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

"There was this party." My voice was a little shaky at the end as I spoke.

"Alright, that's a start. Now what happened at the party? Was it something that happened? Was it someone that did something?" I nodded my head.

"Do you remember anything from that night?" Memories came running through my mind. _Him_. Waking up alone in a bed, naked. Not being able to remember anything. All the feelings came back; Again.

But compared to all the other times I didn't try to stop them. For some reason I felt safe in front of Dr. Arnett. I felt safe in a hospital. They could calm me down, and hopefully, stop this from ever happening again.

"It was, loud-very loud." I whispered, but just enough so she could hear me.

"What was loud?"

"The music. There were so many people around me." I paused for a moment before continuing. "The room started spinning. I don't know. It just blurred out from there."

"Clare? Clare please look at me." I took a deep breath and looked at her.

"Clare, whatever happened that night, is not in any way your fault." I didn't respond. I wanted her to continue. She was slowly unwrapping my secret right before my eyes. She can say what I've been keeping in for so long.

"You can trust me Clare. I'm here to help you."

"I woke up in a bed the next day." I blurted out. I felt like a piece of garbage.

She nodded her head, seemingly thrown off by my confession. She calmly reached for my chart, opening it.

"What else?" She said, hoping to coax more out of me.

_You've already said too much. No one needed to know. _

"I-" My voice cracked as I tried to speak. The constant voice in my head kept telling me to leave, but I needed this.

"I can't do this." I said breaking down. The tears came out , full force. My vision was blurry as I looked at Dr. Arnett.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I felt like I had let her down-no-let everyone down.

"Clare, it's okay, it is. Whenever you're ready." I watched as her blurry form walked towards me.

"But I am, I'm tired of this." I muttered as I dug my nails into my leg.

"I hate the pain." I said louder. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate."

"Can you just try? Try and tell me. Whatever you say stays in this room; I promise." I bit my lip as I rocked myself back and forth. I was having an internal battle. My demons held my secrets while I wanted to set them free.

"I woke up naked." My eyes closed, a sense of relief washed over me. It was out. My secret was finally out. But I still felt like complete crap.

"Oh." She whispered.

I couldn't bare to see her face, to see the shame and disgust that she must feel towards me. I was nothing but a piece of trash.

I kept my face down, staring intently at the floor. But I listened closely to her every move.

"What did you do when you woke up?"

_My head was pounding, my body sore, and an uncomfortable throbbing between my legs._

_I slowly sat up, my vision beginning to blur but slowly going back to normal. I pulled the sheets off revealing my bare body._

_"Oh god." I sat up from the bed frantically looking around the small room, seeing my pants, shirt, and bra. Failing to find my underwear I dashed towards them quickly picking them up and slipping them on. I walked towards the door and poked my head out looking up and down the hallway immediately recognizing my surroundings; It was Dave's house._

"I was at my friend's boyfriend's house."

"Do you know her boyfriend?"

"Sort of, but we're not close." Dave and I were friends, to say the least. I resented him for some things he had done back in high school to Alli, but I forgave him. But I know he's a good guy and he cares about others.

"Alright, did you see anyone else?"

_"Oh you got shit faced last night. It was kind of funny to be honest. Bianca and I had to drag you into Dave's room. " Alli said while laughing._

"Yeah." I coughed a little finally making eye contact with her. "My friend Alli; It was her boyfriend's house."

"You seem to remember a lot; That's good." She said smiling down at me as she leaned against her desk. "This'll help us with a lot of things."

"What kind of things?" I said with a nervous look. I didn't want to do anything about what happened. There's nothing to fix. It was all my fault.

"To determine your diagnosis and help you find ways of dealing with what happened. And if you choose to, later on, press charges, we can have supporting information."

"But I don't want to press charges." I said in a firm voice. She nodded her head before replying.

"I don't want to push you to do anything you don't want to do. I just feel that it would be in your best interest."

I didn't reply to her, not really feeling up to it anymore. This talk of pressing charges and telling her about that night is taking a toll on me.

"Can I please go back to room, I'm done." Dr. Arnett gave me a sympathetic look before dismissing me from session.

These two weeks were going to be difficult.

xxx

I sat in my room, the lights off, windows closed, rocking back and forth. I don't know how long I stared at the wall for but it was sometime between them serving lunch and the nurse rotation. My room was near the nurses station which allowed me to hear everything.

I've only been here for 3 days and I feel worse than before. Things aren't seeming to get better. I can barely tell the days apart; They blur together.

I've tried talking to some other patients but I can't. I want to be home, with my friends and family. I want to wake up and have some sort of comfort. I'm on a strict no visitor basis. Phone calls are allowed but I've refused every one of them.

This place allows me to think. I mean _really_ think. The thoughts are endless, never stopping for more than a few seconds. I hear the man's voice, xo, from that night. The low rasp, the terrifyingly calm way he went about things. It's as though he had done this before and he knew what to expect.

_"Hey there Clarebear, time for some fun"_

He knew my name. He knows who I was. I'm not sure if I ever noticed that before, but that terrifies me, yet gives me some relief. He's not some random stranger looking for a good time. This was someone I could possibly track down and recognize.

I'm assuming that I was in such a hazy state, from keeping it all in, that I never got a real chance to evaluate what happened. To really remember key details.

I suppose only Dr. Arnett could have helped me achieve this small win. Maybe me being here is a good thing.

A loud knock at my door startled me before I looked to see who it was. A nurse, more specifically Nurse Miranda, emerged.

"Hi dear, you have a call up front."

"Who is it?"

"A young lady; She didn't say her name." I nodded my head, unraveling myself from my bed sheets and stepping out onto the cold tile floor.

She gave me a smile, finally seeing me out and about.

"I'm glad you decided to answer this call!" Miranda said enthusiastically.

"The staff and I were worried about." I smiled a little and looked up at her as we both walked towards the phone at the end of the nurses station.

"There's nothing to worry about." I whispered. "I'm fine."

She gave me a sympathetic look, while patting me on the back and handing me the phone.

"You have a 5 minutes before the phone shuts off. " I smiled at her as I nervously took the phone. She mouthed 'good luck' to me before walking behind the counter, occasionally glancing up at me.

I took a deep breath and put the phone to my ear, hearing silence on the other end. I cleared my throat before saying, "Hello?"

"Clare?"

"Yeah." I was already itching to go back to my room.

"I'm so glad you finally decided to answer! I've been trying to get a hold of you for so long! How are you?"

"Fine."

"Clare please talk to me."

"I am, I just don't really _feel_ like talking. If that makes sense." I heard her sigh as before replying.

"Yeah, it does. I'm just really worried about you. I know I haven't really talked to you much but I'd like to change that."

"Alli, do you really think that's a good idea? I'm a mental ward. And I will be for a while."

"But that's the thing I don't get Clare! Why the hell are you even there?"Why was she giving me the third degree? I didn't do anything to her, if anything she did something to me! Her boyfriend threw a party and because of that some guy raped me! Does she not get that? She left me her boyfriend's room, piss drunk, to get raped by anyone! And it happened. She let it happen.

"Because! I'm fucking crazy maybe that's why. Maybe I went completely lunatic and I belong here. Who really knows!"

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Alli, I just want you to know, this is your fault. If you're so set on knowing why I'm here than there. It's. Your. Fault."

"Clare! What the hell did I do?-"

"It's not what you did, it's what you let happen!" I said as I slammed the phone onto the receiver. I glanced up seeing a few patients and nurses staring at me.

My eyes began to water up as I looked at each one of them, before I took off to my room. Miranda tried to stop me as well as a few nurses but I ignored them.

I began to cry heavily as I walked into my room, closing the door. I threw my self on my bed and sobbed, making loud noises as I did.

I was acting like a four year old having a tantrum. I was fed up, I was angry, I was sick. And I couldn't do anything. I was trapped in my own mind.

The door opened as, who I assumed, was Miranda. She sat next to me and rubbed my back, telling me everything was going to be okay.

She grabbed both of my biceps and pulled me up to a sitting posistion as she hugged me.

"Shh, it's okay. You're okay. You're going to get better here. I promise."

_I promise_

Please, I'm holding onto that.

* * *

Would you guys prefer to see a sequel where I continue everything?

So as I've said in the past, I'm ending this story at 20 chapters. Well my mind has been brewing with new ideas and I think it would be easier to just make a sequel. Involving her recovery and dealing with xo.

xo will be revealed on chapter 20 ;3

I really need some feedback on this one!

_**Review, review, review!**_

**I _really_ appreciate your feedback!**

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